pink umbrella on a rainy day outside

Feeling Low Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Love my Partner or Baby

This is probably one of the posts I have contemplated whether to post or not, back and forth, the most. Have you ever been asked if you’re okay, how you’re doing, or how you’re feeling? And you simply answer using the words, ‘all good’, ‘okay’ or ‘fine’ thank you. You may genuinely be feeling any three of those at the time but sometimes it’s not the case and you don’t want to say. You don’t even wish you could, you just don’t feel the need to share.

I am a private person to a certain extent. I have social media accounts and I share photos of my son, my partner, family etc. but I also keep a lot to myself. Some people like a bit of ‘retail therapy’ to focus, I like to write on my blog.

You can’t always control your emotions. It isn’t as easy as making yourself feel happy after feeling sad. Your mind is a powerful part of you – so much so, it can take a toll. Your mind can work overdrive. You can go round in circles trying to understand your own thoughts but you can’t. Telling yourself, tomorrow is a new day, or it could be worse, seems okay at the time but ‘the day’ arrives again. Sometimes, it’s soon after or a few days or a week will pass.

I haven’t wrote this to hear “sorry you’re feeling this way” or “sorry you’re going through this”. The truth is, I think it’s always been inside me but a big life-changing moment happened that meant my body and hormones couldn’t play nice together. I ignored the feelings for a while. Plus I’ve had a baby so you know, it’s all like, oh you’re just tired, sleep deprived, or you need some alone time. Time spent with me, myself and I has been a battle between something that’s good and bad for me.

With the time I have to myself, I always end up doing washing, cleaning, tidying etc. then when I finally sit down, I find myself constantly checking the time until my partner and baby are home because I know I have to pick myself up. And before I know it, hours have passed and I haven’t napped or been for a walk.

I’ve cried most days – something I thought was just a thing in those first 6 weeks after giving birth so I didn’t think the doctor would think anything when she spoke to me 15 weeks postnatal. “Do you think you might be depressed?” Depressed? A term that is used so loosely and a word that I didn’t want to associate with myself. This isn’t because there’s anything to be ashamed of but I was telling myself every day that it would pass. I’ve tried to make efforts to occupy myself and find things to love and enjoy again. I will keep trying.

Pre-pregnancy, for many years, I struggled to think about some upcoming events. No one would get it. People visiting – including friends and family – I can find quite overwhelming on my most struggling days. Recently, my partner has seen me curled up in a ball either staring into space or crying myself to sleep. Some nights, I can’t sleep. And on others, I don’t want to wake up because I want to sleep so much.

Please, the next time you hear someone say they are depressed or feeling low, don’t quickly look in from the outside. Even if you think you have the happiest of friends, check in on them. Forgive snappy or off moments. The only way I can describe the way I feel a lot of the time, is lost. This is not my baby’s fault or mine. It’s just that emotions have took charge. Some people can be more sensitive than you think. Regardless, you should always think before you speak. Or apologise if you speak out of turn. I must admit, I’m much stronger that I used to be when it comes to ignoring some comments and people but there will be a wave that comes over me. When this happens, they are all I think about then it spirals into thoughts about myself.

Three months ago, I birthed our son and a surge of new life took over. I count myself lucky that these feelings I have, haven’t affected the bond I have with my beautiful baby boy. Whenever I feel myself about to have a cry, I put him down. Though, most of the time, it’s when I am by myself or when he is asleep. This doesn’t always happen on the non-stop days. I’m talking about the days when I have some ‘me time’. I should be relaxing, sleeping or doing something I find fun. At times, this happens but it drifts into a motion of sadness. I feel restless, hopeless and I suddenly cry. There are days where I feel absolutely agitated that I respond in ways where I don’t even know what I’ve just been told. It’s like being in a daydream and hearing things but the next day you’re not 100% on what happened.

I am forgetting a lot of things and I was putting it down to ‘baby brain’ even though people have said, that’s just in pregnancy isn’t it? And they are probably right but it’s what’s happening.

Another thing that’s changed is my appetite. I go through ups and downs. I overeat snacks and rubbish food in the day or I skip tea/hardly eat in the evening because I say on many occasions, “Oh I don’t feel hungry. I’m okay.” My partner knows it’s not the case and I’m far from it.

I’ll probably get a few, “Oh I didn’t know…” or “Why didn’t you say?” Think about it. I share my feelings with my partner as I feel like I am losing myself at times but smiling on the outside. He’s the one I will always feel comfortable with no matter how agitated or irritable I am. Oh, and he senses whenever I feel stressed. He doesn’t half put up with a lot! I constantly think about something that needs to be done or could be done better. 

I also want to say something else because as sad as it is, there might be people who have something negative to say. I am fully aware of what I have – a warm home, a loving partner, and a beautiful child. I also have a loving family and friends but I will only truly open up about my feelings with my partner and my doctor. This doesn’t mean to say I’m not grateful for any support around me.

There are two people in my life who will always give me a boost when I need it the most – my fiancé and my precious blue eyed baby boy. All it takes is a a big hug and a little smile. I can withdraw myself from situations, visits and plans but I’ll never take myself away from these two.

If you’re feeling low, postnatal or not, perhaps you would like to reach out to someone. It wasn’t until everything was building up that I found the courage to speak to my partner and then my GP who has been lovely. There’s also information and advice on the NHS website. Remember, bottling thoughts and feelings up does not make you a hero. It’s okay to let it all out. 

dark cup with hot drink inside

Sharing Those Postpartum Feelings

The postpartum life brings a new love and happiness but let’s not forget about the exhaustion and everything else. Some people might question why someone like me opted to be a mum when there’s a lot of new challenges and a drop in energy levels some days. I’ll tell you why, it’s something I’ve always wanted. I’m not saying that to sound like anyone else because it’s true. I’ve always dreamed of bringing a new little life into the world and I count my lucky stars that it all came true.

It goes without saying that parenting is hard. And that’s probably putting it lightly. Though, the moments of joy and pure heartfelt memories stay with you forever. They overpower those ‘days’ where you don’t don’t feel like yourself and wonder if there’s anything you could do better. Even when the sleep deprivation hits, all it takes in one smile for it all to melt into the air and you smile as your heart gets fuller.

The last couple of weeks, I’ll be honest, I haven’t felt right. I don’t mean I haven’t been feeling well with this super cold that going around or a bug – I just haven’t been the usual ‘me’. What is the usual ‘me’? Well, in a nutshell, I’m usually smiley, random, and like to see the positive in everything.

In those last weeks, it all changed. Now, I wouldn’t say it was sudden but there was a big difference. Here’s why…

A sense of hopelessness

I felt like I had lost myself. I never forget I’m a mum and a human being like everyone else but I felt disinterested in so many things. There were days I spent in a daze – nothing going on around me other than staring into space while Freddy napped. I would try putting upbeat music on or a good film but it didn’t have the usual effect. I was so quiet but so busy and loud with thoughts in my mind. I wondered how I would get out of this pit. As always, a good chat with Danny channeled me back through after a couple of days. It doesn’t mean to say those days won’t come back. I just need to remember that I can get through them.

Being self critical

Sometimes I think I’m harsh on myself and other days I don’t. I’ve found myself looking in the mirror most days and not liking what I see. There are things I can do – eat well, exercise etc. But I think, I’ll always find something regardless. My legs are covered in stretch marks that weren’t there before. I’m reminded that they are ‘love marks’ that carried the weight of our beautiful boy. I think the body changes that are still happening combined with what I see physically really play on my mind, a little too much. I might not ever love my body but I will find a way to like it again.

Is it the hormones or just me?

Ever cry and wonder why you cried? Sometimes you have good reason, don’t you? Other times you think, why am I so damn emotional right now? The thing is, I need to remind myself that there’s no rush for my body to reach a new kind of normal. I used to hate when someone would look at a woman and say “Ooo she’s a bit hormonal isn’t she” or whatever. But wow, I’ve never truly felt more hormonal days than postpartum ones. Maybe I’m pressuring myself as each week goes by as I think it’s another week I could feel ‘better’. None of these thoughts take away how much love I have for my baby. He (and his dad) are my everything. And the three of us have so much to look forward to – they are what I need to hold onto when my mind does play a battle with me.

Speak to someone

To finish this post, I just want to say, up and down days are completely normal. Sometimes we need to pick ourselves back up but remember you don’t have to do it on your own. It doesn’t take for a number of people to understand how you feel. It takes a good person or two to listen, maybe empathise too. Postpartum life especially, can drag you down in ways you can’t even understand yourself.

Someone can look in from the outside and see nothing but happiness. However, they haven’t got a mirror to see what’s going on in your mind. You can be your own demon sometimes. Remember though, you can’t control everything. So, when things get tough, try to find a couple of things that bring you back to a level of the real you.

Links for support

Image source: John Mark Smith on pexels.com

woman holding pregnant belly

Spending Time with Bump

[Photo from Pexels]

You might think ‘spending time with bump’ sounds a little odd because he is being carried by me each day. That’s true but I’ve been thinking about how much time I actually dedicate to him even though he’s not on the outside world yet…

Being pregnant is one of the most incredible experiences I have had so far in my life. A little human is growing inside me every day. I feel him kick, wriggle, and move around.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant those ‘mum instincts’ kicked in. And it’s not until recently that I needed to be reminded of them. That’s where my health comes into play. Stress has been a big eye opener in the last few days on how it affects not only me but baby too.

Looking after bump starts with me

In order to look after baby bump, I need to look after myself. I’ve been told several times to take it easy – stop running wild getting those washes done, hoovering up early in the morning, thinking everything has to be done there and then. And there’s a lot going on with day-to-day life too.

Today, I stopped to think, what’s the most important thing in my life right now? And the answer is plural, baby and Danny. A whole new little life and the love of my life to call my own. They give me more meaning each day. I’ve learnt a whole new kind of love and what it feels like to protect and nurture something as well as someone. Our baby boy has brought so much light into our lives before he has even been born.

So, spending time with bump needs to be a big focus for me right now. I always place my hand over my belly and rub it when I feel him. But sometimes I get upset when he doesn’t do the same in return, moving to let me know he is there. And I’ve realised that’s down to me too. Stress isn’t good for anyone, especially not now in my final trimester and the fact I’ve had chronic hypertension (for the last 4 years), needs to be considered. My blood pressure has been creeping up. I know the pregnancy hormones don’t help but I need to change what I do to improve those readings at times.

Taking a step back

Now, I’m really going to try to take more breaks and put things into perspective, otherwise things will take a toll (or more so than they are doing at the moment). I’ve enjoyed my pregnancy so much and I don’t want that to change. It’s such a special, unreal time in my life and I am cherishing it all – the good days and those that aren’t as easy. I do think there should be as many smiles as possible, giving our little boy a message to be smiling inside too.

I’m going to spend more time with bump even if that means a whole day in bed, just me and him. I’m also going to continue to talk to him more, play a song and connect with him because when things get tough, alongside Danny, he makes everything better.

If you’re experiencing your first, second, third, whatever number of pregnancy, let your baby bump know you’re there and do everything in your power to love and care for them.

Tasha walking up Mount Snowdon

The Days When You Are Feeling ‘Ugly’ or ‘Meh’

We are all human so I’m pretty sure you have had some days when you have felt, ‘meh’. Sometimes it’s down to busy or stressful times. On others, it might be because you feel down about yourself, mentally and/or physically. Let me tell you something – I am with you. Over the last week or so I have been thinking of ways to distract myself from when these kind of moments hit me. So, if you feel anything similar to the above, I hope this post will help you.

Stop seeing an ‘ugly’ version of yourself

Take away Instagram, filters, makeup etc. for a moment and think about what pretty is. Look in the mirror and see who you are as your natural self. Remind yourself that you don’t meed to look ‘perfect’ everyday. Feeling bloated is absolutely fine. Bad skins day are okay too. Even bad hair or more tired looking days are normal. Each day, think about what’s important, and what really makes you happy, then your smile will appear without any thoughts getting in the way.

You are doing your best

Life can be hard but really, we are should enjoy it as best as we can. Challenges will arise, you wouldn’t be in the real world if they didn’t. Don’t avoid them, take them on, and tackle them with the determination you know you’ve got. More often than not, the more you try, you can actually surprise yourself with where it can take you. If you don’t get something quite right, it doesn’t make you look bad. Looking good starts with feeling good inside – a key thing I really need to remind myself. 

Everyone is different 

People you know shine in their own ways – each have their own personality and beauty about them. So, why do you look at yourself in a different light when you see how ‘different’ you are? It’s good to have something unique about you even if that means you can be the most random and giddy person in the room; then quiet on other occasions. Don’t change to be someone you are not or to please others.

There will be less motivational days

Try to find something that re-energises you. I know one of my downfalls recently has been down to fitness. I know that a form of my escapism which has worked really well are long walks and running outdoors. I haven’t been hitting the gym on weekends like I used that that’s okay. I just need to remember how important being active on the days when I feel absolutely drained physically and emotionally. A good kick up the bum and I’ll be back at it! 


Are you still thinking negatively about yourself? If the answer is yes, please reach out to someone. This could be a family member, a friend, work colleague, or anyone you feel comfortable around. I decided to do this and trust me, it made a huge difference. Times will get tough every now and again but you will find the strength to get through them.