angel wings coming out of a love heart shape

Just Because I Smile Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Miss You

Today I smiled a whole lot more than I have done over the last few weeks. Losing someone can tear you to pieces or it can help you to become stronger. There’s nothing anyone can say that really makes it better but it does help to know that there are people around you that care. When you start to smile more, it doesn’t mean that you miss them any less.

The person you lost wants you to be happy

They want you to continue to cherish all of the amazing things there are to life; even though there’s evil. Looking over you, they want to see you making more memories; even though they’re no longer there to make them with.

Listen to sad songs from time to time but don’t dig yourself too far into a hole where all you have are sad lyrics and darkness. Be grateful for all of the good times you’ll forever hold close to your heart. Remember the upbeat person that they were and add their spirit to your life.

There are going to be times that aren’t as easy as others. Finding ways to smile more can help. Don’t neglect the possibility of laughter and warmth from your loved ones.

Uncle Dom, whenever I smile, remember it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. The acceptance of losing you has hit me hard. Knowing you would want us all to be strong as difficult as it can be, is what I hope for.

I’ll smile when I think about your vocabulary of words; those rock ‘n’ roll dance moves, the classic Irish accent; the time you gave to listen; your strength when suffering; most of all, your love for us all. You’re not here in person for me to tell you all of this so I hope that by using some of your magic, the message will get to you.

The next challenge

Race for Life is getting closer. I’m going to do my best to hold it together. At the end though, it’s likely I’ll cry wishing you were here. It’s time to accept that there’s nothing we can do about that. We have to do everything in our power to live your life on. A piece of you will always remain a part of us.

https://fundraise.cancerresearchuk.org/team/tasha-and-danny

balloons in cloudy sky

Wishing You Were Here on All of Your Birthdays And Every Day

Hey granny, I can’t believe it’s your 77th birthday today. Whilst I’m wishing you were here I thought I’d dedicate this post to you. February marked 16 years since you became an angel looking over us. It seems like yesterday when I was sat on your knee whilst you were singing songs to me. Me, you, grandad, Phil, and Gaz taking spontaneous trips together. Saying no when I wanted to play shop so I only had grandad as my customer. But I loved you then and I still do now.

You and grandad were the two people in my life who shown me that, no matter how many years go by, the people you love stay in your heart forever.

I always liked how yours and grandad’s birthday are close together – 22nd and 26th July. Two dates which never disappear from my mind. It’s the same with your anniversaries too. It’s like my body is on auto mode, with a reminder in the lead up to them days before.

There are videos and photographs of you feeding me in my bouncer when I was a baby. I might not have the vision of that but I do have a mountain of memories shared with you. Adding salt to a packet of chicken super noodles; using jam and butter without getting either into the other jar; leaving nails everywhere around the house (the ones you put on the walls to hang photos up with); taking me on your shopping trips with you; putting my hair in that little bun I always liked with a million hair grips; and a whole lot more.

We had a special little bond didn’t we? The seven years I got to spend with you were some of the most magical times in my life. I still imagine you being here. Looking over my shoulder like you always did. There’s a photo in a frame on my bedroom wall. It’s of me, you, and grandad. And you’re smiling and looking down at me with your hand on my shoulder. I can still feel your hand. And I remember my smile from that exact moment.

Being your flower girl is going to stay as the most amazing memory in my heart from all the weddings I’ve been to yet.

I held those rings on a cushion thinking that yours and grandad’s love would last forever. And the truth is, I believe it has. A love that always stays with one another is something I’ve always wanted. The world took one of you away. But I think a dream came true for the both of you before this happened.

When you were no longer here, grandad was my go-to person growing up. My best friend. I could confide in him about anything. The most frightening things I’d seen, he heard all about them. And of course, the happiest ones. Most of which were the times we spent evenings chatting about you. I think you knew he’d have a huge job looking after us all. But you didn’t doubt him. And that’s why he never let go.

I learnt that no amount of tears could bring you back

I’ve said before that I wish you both would’ve seen me growing up together. I’m more than three times the age I was when you were here. But I can only hope that I’ve turned out to be the young woman you imagined me to be. I pictured you at the school gates for quite a few years. It took me a while to understand that you weren’t here. I spent time alone crying. And I even cried when I was with my friends. I burst into tears not being able to say my lines for a school play. And I even let the teacher shout at me for it, as they were unaware.

Grandad taught me how to be strong showing me the importance of being able to love someone no matter how near or far away from you they are. He shown me that the ones you love won’t ever think you’ve forgotten about them. And he was always referring to his love for you. I understood this more as I got older.

Happy birthday, granny. Wishing you were here today, on all of your birthdays, and each day we spend apart.

Stick to Being Happy Rather Than Wondering

Sitting here wondering what to write when deep down you’ve had an idea of something you’ve been thinking about writing – being happy. You hear the sentences through your head on your way home from work. But getting to grips with how to put it all together is another story. So here goes. This is going to be a post which literally comes out as I write down thoughts that pop into my head.

We spend so much time wishing for things. And sometimes they can be for things you want to happen that probably won’t. I don’t mean the game console you’ve been dying to by or the outfit you’ve had your eye on for ages. This is more about longing for something to happen. I’ve come to terms that it’s okay to dream of nice things. I’ve always told myself and others that it’s okay to dream big. Do what makes you happy.

But here’s something to think about… 

Do you ever find yourself wishing you could go back in time? Perhaps you wanted to change something? Or relive a moment all over again. Reality can get you down. But it can also be so worthwhile. You can think you’ve had the worst day/week/month, whatever. There’s always something who’s really struggling. Be grateful for those who love to be around you. Make it a whole lot easier on yourself and disregard the ones who couldn’t give a damn. You’ll be happy then.

walking on the sandy beach

Memories can come flooding back, good or bad. But where you are right now in this moment is what counts. Everything you’ve experienced in your life so far is shaped who you are today. So what, you could’ve done that differently and you certainly couldn’t handled that better. But you know what? Life goes on. We shouldn’t spend time going over and over on things. It’s so damaging.

Hold onto the good things that make or have made you happy

Hold the memories that made the smile. The ones that made you feel like you were the most careless, free-spirited version of you. There’s nothing stopping you from being that person again. I like to think that even when there’s silence between people, it doesn’t mean to say either of them doesn’t care about the other. Time teaches us so much. It can show you that you can genuinely drift away onto different paths.

There’s another side I like to look at. And that’s the people who would probably never get it. But it can make you feel so happy when there’s a little bit of conversation there. Or even more than you imagined. When they haven’t forgot things. And it’s as if nothing’s changed no matter how much time apart – that’s another good thing to hold onto. You might wish you had the chance to see someone again. Don’t lose perspective. We all have our lives to live and so on. There’s so much in your life to value. And there’s probably things you wouldn’t even realise that people value about you.

So yeah, it’s been a bit of all things tonight. But there’s got to be someone out there who can grasp what I’m trying to say. Drifting away from this a little bit here’s a little update with me…

Maybe I’m getting somewhere, maybe I’m not?

Since more tests and investigations, the mystery continues. I kinda had a feeling this was going to happen anyway. All of my tests are complete. The kidney and bladder scan came back normal (so the receptionist said) yay! Just one more appointment to go before holiday now. And that’s something I really can’t wait for. To just relax and not have to worry about a thing. I’ve been referred to the hospital in June once I’m back though. And I can guarantee they’ll think my body is a mystery too! But they have to keep searching I guess. Staying happy is the main thing. I better try to keep at it…

balloons close up in the sky

What Missing You Really Means To Me

Have you told anyone “I’m missing you” recently? There are people who’ll come and go in your life. You’ll think you miss them. But when it comes down it, you’re not really missing them. Perhaps, you need to focus on something else or it’s the simple fact that, you use the phrase too loosely.

As you get older it holds much more meaning. Sometimes, I miss seeing my best friend. But we’re always there for each other at the other end of the phone (when she remembers to reply) if not in person. I’ll tell my brothers I miss them and I often wonder if they miss me too. That’s just two examples but there are going to be two main focuses in this blog post. I share a memory of telling someone I miss them and I talk about those I miss every day.

The “I miss you” text message

Three words – ones which don’t mean a lot to some people. However, this ‘I miss you’ was so much more. I told someone I missed them in a texted message and I got them thinking I’d messaged the wrong person. Oh they were wrong. This was definitely meant for them. That night, I miss you opened up a whole new door. Or maybe the door was already open, they’d probably say it was. But I just took forever to see it. It led to one of the longest heart-to-hearts I’ve ever had with this person, and if anything, ever. I let go of all of my insecurities for one moment after letting tears stream down my face, and felt something.

I spent too long chasing other things and this sudden moment made me realise who I really was and what I was really feeling. I was falling in love. A feeling entered my mind and heart that made me feel like no one else was but us. Since this day, we’ve shared conquered a lot of challenges together, taken many adventures, and we’re even more in love with each other.

So now today, I dream of the day where we have our own home. So I won’t have to have those days when I miss him. He’s the person I need when times are the hardest and he’s also the person I have to share all of the best times with. When you feel this, it’s amazing, isn’t it?!

The I miss you letters I wrote to my grandparents

I still have these letters along with a lot of things that remind me of granny and grandad. Whenever I see a star in the sky, I see them loving over us. I’ve thought it ever since granny was the first one out of the two to fly into heaven, when I was 7-years-old. Night after night I had to see that same star shining in the sky until I could sleep and go to bed. It was becoming a thing I’d still do if someone was babysitting me. Then I realised that maybe I could look outside my bedroom window. Granny and grandad were two of the most heart-warming people. You don’t need me to tell you that, memories are precious. But I will say that these two people shown me how important it is to live for each moment of each day.

I think when you look at an old photograph or a piece of something that reminds you of someone and it can still cause tears to roll down your face, you know it still hurts that they’re gone. It one thing that I know won’t ever stop. But that’s okay because it means they’ll always be in my heart. I imagine they’re still me sometimes so that I’m still sharing everything with them. Granny saw very closely, the girl I used to be. And grandad saw the little girl turning into a teenager. Wishing they could see me as the young woman I am today won’t bring them back. So every day, whether it’s out loud or in my head, I let them know that I miss them.

Who was the last person you said, “I miss you” to?

Releasing a Better Feeling in Blogging

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. The main thought that has crossed my mind is my reason for blogging. Why do I love blogging? Every blogger has their reason. I wonder why I put so much pressure on myself. I blog because it’s something I love. Like I’ve said before, it’s therapeutic for me. Especially when discussing more personal situations and feelings.

My mission

My blog’s mission has always been to inspire at least one person with each post. I’ve realised that this doesn’t mean I have to blog daily or weekly. If you’re someone like me and blogging is a hobby, why put so much pressure on yourself?

Doing something you love should make you happy. It definitely shouldn’t make you stressed about your blog’s appearance, stats, performance etc. Make it your own. Try your best not to compare yourself to others. Remember everyone has their own reasons.

The truth about my blogging

Without being able to enjoy my other hobbies or socialising with friends and families, I’d be unhappy. That’s why my blog is the way it is. It’s mine. It’s tailored to what I believe in or enjoying writing about. I’ll always hope to inspire others whether it’s a sponsored post or a personal one of my own.

The same goes for social media. I don’t want to be soaked up into a world that is dictated from social media platforms. I prefer not to get caught up in all of the negativity. It’s all about following those whose work you like and uplifting each other.

All that being said, I’d like to share what I’ve been up to. Me and Danny took two day trips over the bank holiday weekend. One to Blackpool and the other to Llandudno, Wales.

Blackpool Zoo

If I’m right, I hadn’t been to Blackpool zoo before until Sunday. I was more excited than a kid. I couldn’t wait to see all of the animals and take lots of photos. From the moment we arrived, my camera was out and ready to take some shots. My favourite moments were seeing: the lions, tortoise, giraffes, and penguins. It isn’t no Loro Parque with the dolphin shows but it still makes a lovely little trip.

I was a little disappointed with how you couldn’t see some of the animals so well. And there could have been more in some areas.

A wander around Blackpool

Will Smith was appearing in the evening for Livewire Festival. So it was either that or the sunshine as to why many people were around the promenade and tower.

We took a visit to Blackpool Tower, experiencing the glass floor and then to the next two levels. It was a busy attraction on the Sunday afternoon. Afterwards we took the time to have a walk around the promenade and take some more photos.

Manchester to Llandudno

A 4.00am wakeup call. But it was worth it. We grabbed breakfast at Piccadilly train station. And we took a little nap on the train because we wanted to be awake for the day ahead.

Sunrise was approaching when we arrived. You can see the difference in the shots from for the rest of our adventure. Unfortunately we couldn’t go on a cable car as there was too much wind at the summit of the Great Orme. Although, we did take make use of the tramway. So it worked out well.

Once we were at the top, I ran straight to the sea view down the hill like a little kid. Just as I tend to spend most trips like this. I don’t think I’ve ever been so windswept before. Going by the mines reminded me of primary school when we visited and wore the plastic yellow helmets.

So many sheep, landscape views, a long pier, and other nature areas. We were about to start sleep walking by the end of the day! It really was a beautiful day.

These days off to enjoy time with Danny and enjoy our little adventures have been lovely. Spend time with the ones who lift you up. Make all the memories in the world that you would like to make. Taking the time to explore other things helps you to focus on the things you really care about. For me, those things make the best pieces of writing.