Wishing You Were Here on All of Your Birthdays And Every Day

Hey granny, I can’t believe it’s your 77th birthday today. Whilst I’m wishing you were here I thought I’d dedicate this post to you. February marked 16 years since you became an angel looking over us. It seems like yesterday when I was sat on your knee whilst you were singing songs to me. Me, you, grandad, Phil, and Gaz taking spontaneous trips together. Saying no when I wanted to play shop so I only had grandad as my customer. But I loved you then and I still do now.

You and grandad were the two people in my life who shown me that, no matter how many years go by, the people you love stay in your heart forever.

I always liked how yours and grandad’s birthday are close together – 22nd and 26th July. Two dates which never disappear from my mind. It’s the same with your anniversaries too. It’s like my body is on auto mode, with a reminder in the lead up to them days before.

There are videos and photographs of you feeding me in my bouncer when I was a baby. I might not have the vision of that but I do have a mountain of memories shared with you. Adding salt to a packet of chicken super noodles; using jam and butter without getting either into the other jar; leaving nails everywhere around the house (the ones you put on the walls to hang photos up with); taking me on your shopping trips with you; putting my hair in that little bun I always liked with a million hair grips; and a whole lot more.

natasha and granny

We had a special little bond didn’t we? The seven years I got to spend with you were some of the most magical times in my life. I still imagine you being here. Looking over my shoulder like you always did. There’s a photo in a frame on my bedroom wall. It’s of me, you, and grandad. And you’re smiling and looking down at me with your hand on my shoulder. I can still feel your hand. And I remember my smile from that exact moment.

Being your flower girl is going to stay as the most amazing memory in my heart from all the weddings I’ve been to yet.

I held those rings on a cushion thinking that yours and grandad’s love would last forever. And the truth is, I believe it has. A love that always stays with one another is something I’ve always wanted. The world took one of you away. But I think a dream came true for the both of you before this happened.

When you were no longer here, grandad was my go-to person growing up. My best friend. I could confide in him about anything. The most frightening things I’d seen, he heard all about them. And of course, the happiest ones. Most of which were the times we spent evenings chatting about you. I think you knew he’d have a huge job looking after us all. But you didn’t doubt him. And that’s why he never let go.

Tasha sat on her granny's knee smiling

I learnt that no amount of tears could bring you back

I’ve said before that I wish you both would’ve seen me growing up together. I’m more than three times the age I was when you were here. But I can only hope that I’ve turned out to be the young woman you imagined me to be. I pictured you at the school gates for quite a few years. It took me a while to understand that you weren’t here. I spent time alone crying. And I even cried when I was with my friends. I burst into tears not being able to say my lines for a school play. And I even let the teacher shout at me for it, as they were unaware.

Grandad taught me how to be strong showing me the importance of being able to love someone no matter how near or far away from you they are. He shown me that the ones you love won’t ever think you’ve forgotten about them. And he was always referring to his love for you. I understood this more as I got older.

Happy birthday, granny. Wishing you were here today, on all of your birthdays, and each day we spend apart.

Stick to Being Happy Rather Than Wondering

Sitting here wondering what to write when deep down you’ve had an idea of something you’ve been thinking about writing – being happy. You hear the sentences through your head on your way home from work. But getting to grips with how to put it all together is another story. So here goes. This is going to be a post which literally comes out as I write down thoughts that pop into my head.

We spend so much time wishing for things. And sometimes they can be for things you want to happen that probably won’t. I don’t mean the game console you’ve been dying to by or the outfit you’ve had your eye on for ages. This is more about longing for something to happen. I’ve come to terms that it’s okay to dream of nice things. I’ve always told myself and others that it’s okay to dream big. Do what makes you happy.

But here’s something to think about… 

Do you ever find yourself wishing you could go back in time? Perhaps you wanted to change something? Or relive a moment all over again. Reality can get you down. But it can also be so worthwhile. You can think you’ve had the worst day/week/month, whatever. There’s always something who’s really struggling. Be grateful for those who love to be around you. Make it a whole lot easier on yourself and disregard the ones who couldn’t give a damn. You’ll be happy then.

Memories can come flooding back, good or bad. But where you are right now in this moment is what counts. Everything you’ve experienced in your life so far is shaped who you are today. So what, you could’ve done that differently and you certainly couldn’t handled that better. But you know what? Life goes on. We shouldn’t spend time going over and over on things. It’s so damaging.

Hold onto the good things that make or have made you happy

Hold the memories that made the smile. The ones that made you feel like you were the most careless, free-spirited version of you. There’s nothing stopping you from being that person again. I like to think that even when there’s silence between people, it doesn’t mean to say either of them doesn’t care about the other. Time teaches us so much. It can show you that you can genuinely drift away onto different paths.

There’s another side I like to look at. And that’s the people who would probably never get it. But it can make you feel so happy when there’s a little bit of conversation there. Or even more than you imagined. When they haven’t forgot things. And it’s as if nothing’s changed no matter how much time apart – that’s another good thing to hold onto. You might wish you had the chance to see someone again. Don’t lose perspective. We all have our lives to live and so on. There’s so much in your life to value. And there’s probably things you wouldn’t even realise that people value about you.

So yeah, it’s been a bit of all things tonight. But there’s got to be someone out there who can grasp what I’m trying to say. Drifting away from this a little bit here’s a little update with me…

Maybe I’m getting somewhere, maybe I’m not?

Since more tests and investigations, the mystery continues. I kinda had a feeling this was going to happen anyway. All of my tests are complete. The kidney and bladder scan came back normal (so the receptionist said) yay! Just one more appointment to go before holiday now. And that’s something I really can’t wait for. To just relax and not have to worry about a thing. I’ve been referred to the hospital in June once I’m back though. And I can guarantee they’ll think my body is a mystery too! But they have to keep searching I guess. Staying happy is the main thing. I better try to keep at it…

May Bank Holiday Weekend 2018

This weekend it was Danny’s 25th birthday so it gave us more reason to look forward to the k hok holiday weekend. On Friday I had my 24 hour BP monitor on but I got to take it off at 7.30am the next day. So that didn’t get in the way of anything. Although, I didn’t have the best night’s sleep. And I also woke up at 5.40am on Saturday morning and of course I couldn’t wait to wish Danny a happy birthday.

You know when you lay there and you think, “Awww I’ll let them sleep?” Well how long does that usually last for you? I went back to sleep for as long as I could with 4 more readings on the monitor to go. And then finally it I could take it off. I tried again to wake Danny. The poor man. All he wanted to do was enjoy his sleep. I suppose that doesn’t always happen with an early riser like me around.

Rise and shine sleepy head

His eyes were open and he smiled as I wished him a happy birthday (several times including singing it to him). He opened the small gift bag with a present from me inside. He smiled again. This time it was because we were once in a taxi and he asked the taxi driver what aftershave he was wearing. I went and bought that one (possibly a different edition but still).

He then opened his card and noticed on the left hand side that I had printed out a little message reading:

Guess where we’re going? 20th – 23rd November.

A picture with bikes around a canal only meant one place – Amsterdam. He’s always mentioned about wanting to go there one day. And how it would be nice to go together. I’m so glad that we have another little adventure to look forward to. We’re both excited for the canal views, cycling, the city’s heritage, and much more. It’s going to be an amazing place for photography I’m sure.

A day out on Saturday

We decided to take a train journey out to Hebden Bridge. It’s only 3 stops away from Manchester Victoria Station. With the sunshine making an appearance this bank holiday weekend, it definitely made a difference. We and walked the afternoon away exploring around the village. Everything was so vintage and perfect for photography opportunities.

Everybody was out enjoying the sunshine and there was a great happy atmosphere. What was one of the first things we did? Buy an ice cream of course. I was like a baby eating mine. Enjoying it so much, we were walking over a bridge, and Danny turned around to see me nearly getting it all over me as the ice cream was melting!

I’d say we did pretty well with the amount of walking we did especially the hilly areas in the heat. Can you tell that we don’t get sunny weather very often? That’s our hometown Salford for you. It was nice to have a change of scenery and do something different for the bank holiday weekend. We took a moment towards the end of our time there to sit by the canal and relax. Lots of kids were laughing and splashing in the water. Oh we wished we were that age again!

A Sunday without the pre-Monday blues

view from cloud 23 Hilton hotel manchester

Usually on a Sunday I think, “Nooo. Why does it have to be Monday already tomorrow?” But luckily, the bank holiday weekend came to our rescue. We had another day to enjoy before going back to work. I began my day with an appointment I had coming up for a scan on my kidneys and bladder. Me and mum then walked home as it was another nice day.

My best friend Faye treated me to afternoon tea, which was my first ever experience. And to top it off it was at the Hilton in Manchester at Cloud 23. I’d never been there before neither. It was really nice and lots of little treats to enjoy.

I spent the rest of the day chilling in the garden with mum and dad. And later on Danny’s sister asked us round. So we spent a few hours there. And then more family turned up which was lovely. Hot dogs, burgers, and laughs. An enjoyable afternoon. The tiredness hit me though. I’ve been feeling very tired recently.

I went to bed as soon as I got home and put a film on. I was asleep around 9.30pm or earlier. Almost 3 hours later I woke up with an excruciating pain on the left of my abdomen. I was in tears. I hadn’t quite had a pain that strong before. Similar but not as strong. I lifted myself out of bed feeling dizzy and unbalanced. And then the sickness feeling. Ugh. My head is still pounding today and I’ve had the pins and needles in my fingers all weekend which is what I’m used to with migraines.

A different kind of Monday

Monday arrived which means I eventually got myself back to sleep. I began my day with the gym. But I didn’t do any heavy cardio just in case. It definitely was the best decision not to miss the gym. It always gives me a better start to the day when I go.

Me and Danny spent the afternoon shopping. Although we only come away with one bag.  Danny found himself some birthday treats/things for our holiday. And we grabbed something to eat too. I’ve loved this bank holiday weekend. It’s been full of smiles and sunny weather. I’m hoping that our doctors appointments both go well tomorrow.

Back to reality in the morning. Here comes the rain…

3 of My Favourite Things from the Last Year

On St George’s Day, 23rd April 2018, I’ll be turning 24-years-old. Since my birthday is approaching, I wanted to take a look at my favourite things I’ve learnt and discovered during life as a 23-year-old. The last year has been of my best yet but also brought lots of challenges too. I think I look younger than my age, especially to a lot of people. But I like to think I’ve got the right level of maturity my age. That’s when I’m not in a fit of laughter finding something hilarious that no one else gets.

So, what has life as a 23-year-old gave me?

Finding the perfect job for me

On 15th May 2018, I began my role at Disabled Living as a Marketing Coordinator and Content Writer. I’m so pleased that my confidence has grew an incredible amount. No longer am I the girl who sits in the corner wondering where life is going to take her. I’m now the young woman who puts myself in the picture. I’ve met many people across my nearly to be 1 year journey. And I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it all. I’m looking forward to another year.

Experiencing a 10k run

A run with a few walks in between but I did it. I can’t believe it’s nearly been a year since me and Danny completed the Great Manchester Run. It was a lot of hard work training but an amazing feeling once we had done it. And as always, anything I can do to raise money for the British Heart Foundation, I’ll always try my best.

Mine and Danny’s 5th anniversary

The 16-year-old me saw a spark with Danny. We found our way back to each other in 2012 and finally got together in 2013. He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed for and has been the perfect person to share the journey I’ve embarked on over the last years. We’ve been there as we’ve both been chasing our dreams. He’s the most supportive and loving man in my life. Here’s to the next 5 years together. Let’s keep saving to get our home together!

When your birthday comes around this year, think about the best things you’ve done in the last year.

What Missing You Really Means To Me

Have you told anyone “I’m missing you” recently? There are people who’ll come and go in your life. You’ll think you miss them. But when it comes down it, you’re not really missing them. Perhaps, you need to focus on something else or it’s the simple fact that, you use the phrase too loosely. As you get older it holds much more meaning. Sometimes, I miss seeing my best friend. But we’re always there for each other at the other end of the phone (when she remembers to reply) if not in person. I’ll tell my brothers I miss them and I often wonder if they miss me too. That’s just two examples but there are going to be two main focuses in this blog post. I share a memory of telling someone I miss them and I talk about those I miss every day.

The “I miss you” text message

Three words – ones which don’t mean a lot to some people. However, this ‘I miss you’ was so much more. I told someone I missed them in a texted message and I got them thinking I’d messaged the wrong person. Oh they were wrong. This was definitely meant for them. That night, I miss you opened up a whole new door. Or maybe the door was already open, they’d probably say it was. But I just took forever to see it. It led to one of the longest heart-to-hearts I’ve ever had with this person, and if anything, ever. I let go of all of my insecurities for one moment after letting tears stream down my face, and felt something.

I spent too long chasing other things and this sudden moment made me realise who I really was and what I was really feeling. I was falling in love. A feeling entered my mind and heart that made me feel like no one else was but us. Since this day, we’ve shared conquered a lot of challenges together, taken many adventures, and we’re even more in love with each other.

So now today, I dream of the day where we have our own home. So I won’t have to have those days when I miss him. He’s the person I need when times are the hardest and he’s also the person I have to share all of the best times with. When you feel this, it’s amazing, isn’t it?!

The I miss you letters I wrote to my grandparents

I still have these letters along with a lot of things that remind me of granny and grandad. Whenever I see a star in the sky, I see them loving over us. I’ve thought it ever since granny was the first one out of the two to fly into heaven, when I was 7-years-old. Night after night I had to see that same star shining in the sky until I could sleep and go to bed. It was becoming a thing I’d still do if someone was babysitting me. Then I realised that maybe I could look outside my bedroom window. Granny and grandad were two of the most heart-warming people. You don’t need me to tell you that, memories are precious. But I will say that these two people shown me how important it is to live for each moment of each day.

I think when you look at an old photograph or a piece of something that reminds you of someone and it can still cause tears to roll down your face, you know it still hurts that they’re gone. It one thing that I know won’t ever stop. But that’s okay because it means they’ll always be in my heart. I imagine they’re still me sometimes so that I’m still sharing everything with them. Granny saw very closely, the girl I used to be. And grandad saw the little girl turning into a teenager. Wishing they could see me as the young woman I am today won’t bring them back. So every day, whether it’s out loud or in my head, I let them know that I miss them.

Who was the last person you said, “I miss you” to?

5 Things I’m Excited to Welcome into the New Year of 2018

Here we are again, another brand new year to welcome us into the unknown. Will Alicia Keys tour in the UK, who knows?! Will I stop eating pasta and all those carbs? Probably not, don’t be silly! But as I mentioned in my blog post prior to this one, I do aim to get back to being active like I was for the most of 2017. And I aim to look after myself, wanting the best health and happiness. This includes, wanting those who mean the most to me, to be happy and healthy too.

Whether you welcomed the New Year hungover, sad, relieved, partying, dancing, whatever – this year can be your year. You might think, “Oh please, it’s just another ordinary year.” Well, what hope are you giving yourself if that’s your attitude to life? Christmas does tend to feel less Christmassy for some as we get older. But if you’re lucky to have another tomorrow, then you’ve always got another day to achieve new things and do you. I spent the Christmas break catching up with friends and family and that’s the perfect way to do it in my eyes.

What’s next?

Exploring together

Dublin in February, woo! It’s part of Danny’s Christmas present from me. I know it’ll be another lovely trip together. We love exploring and doing lots of photography. Danny has never been to Ireland. We both have family from Ireland, mine being from both sides, but I’ve only ever visited Northern Ireland. Ooo I really cannot wait to have a few days away to escape and have fun! I’m sure there will be more trips and fun-packed days ahead too.

Moving forward together

Whether it actually happens this year or we just become a lot closer to moving out, we’ll be thrilled. It’s obviously going to be the best thing ever for the both of us. We’re very excited about it and we think that if we get our heads down and save more (but still try to have life) we’ll be there before we know it.

Facing new challenges

As I’ve mentioned, a new challenge is on the cards for me. Only because I want to. And it’s part of who I am. I’ve seen a few hikes already that have inspired me but it’s about choosing the right one for us. We may even do one of our very own. We’ll figure it out but as always, we’ll be fundraising for the charities close to our hearts. Throughout it all, just like any other year, time challenges us all in different ways – emotionally, physically and so on. But we’ve got this because we have each other.

A road to more happiness

Continuing on a progressive journey. There are always new things to come. Another year to show the world what you’ve got and how strong you really can be. I’m going to take chances and try to maintain the more hopeful side of me than the worry. I love those moments where you can just be carefree and not bother what anyone else thinks, because you deserve to be happy.

Seeing what else life has to offer

Being ready for whatever else is ahead. There’s always a part of life that we can’t control; we can’t force things to happen. But we can live for now and be happy in as many moments as we can. Isn’t that all that we ever wish for, to be happy? Happiness reinforces many of our actions and I’d love to se more positive things happening around those who I love.

What’s next for you?