girl on swing

How Your Happiness Changes Over the Years

When I was a little girl I used to wonder what was beyond the happiness I had then. I remember the time my face lit up when I got a purple bike for Christmas or the time before that when I had this huge Crayola board. Let’s take a look through my life.

Chapter 1: Primary school

Happiness was playing with water and sand in primary school. Thinking you were so artistic with paint when you used to do that thing where you splatter it everywhere with different colours. Learning how to read, write, and listen. Learning a bit of Italian. Understanding what polite mannerisms are.

Being the kid that enjoyed maths and English. Running around carelessly in the playground. And then running to your parents at the school gate. Getting new stationery and cute little outfits when mum or the grandparents would take me shopping. Oh and how can I forget the endless amount of sweets at the pick ‘n’ pix?!

The school holidays were so exciting as you got spend lots of time with your friends and family. This continues into high school.

And I was still the aiming high kind of person. I wanted to work as hard as I could to get the best grades I could. Happiness at this point had more downfalls than it did in primary school.

Chapter 2: High school

The worst thing to happen to me during primary school was losing my granny. So I thought the hardest thing about high school but be difficult GCSE exams. Nope. I like to think I handled them pretty well. Grandad passed away in the second year of high school. You lose one and you think the other will stay forever. If that was a dream then what are you supposed to do when someone tells you to chase your dreams? Little did I know things were about to get harder.

High school brought bullies into my life. Not just to see it happening to others but to myself. I thought seeing others go through torture was horrible. It changes you as a person. You feel weak. Everything they do and say stays with you forever. You even start to wonder if the words they use describe you correctly. Or if you deserve things being thrown at you. It turns out I was the strong one and they were weak. They couldn’t do anything on their own but I got through the rest of high school with them being around. I stuck to working hard, enjoying time with friends and accepting that not everyone can accept you.

To be honest, I knew that from the get-go.

When the girls from the popular groups are superior to you. I remember my first week in year 7 (the first year of high school). One girl from my brother’s year was telling me what length to have my skirt. And another girl was telling her to leave me alone. I don’t think I wore a skirt from then on. Sticking to a pair of black pants and a white blouse was good for me.

I think about this one time my I was heading over to the toilets in the annex building alone. A boy in my year walked past and looked at me.  He turned around and said, are you in my year? I said yeah followed by answering with my name. From the large group of everyone who was ‘known’, someone stopped and took the time to see who I was. They weren’t nasty or judgemental – simply friendly.

Those kind of people would always say hi passing, cheer on the relay run at sports day, and had a laugh with you in class, they were the good moments. By year 10, I was happy again. I ignored everything that had ever got me down, started to put my hand up in class again, and walked with my head held high.

Chapter 3: College

I used to wonder who was going to hold my hand as I was getting older? Knowing that my parents will be there for me inevitably was sure. But what happens now?

Before you know it, you’re an adult. You see your brothers getting older and you think oh no, it means this is happening to me too. You might think you can’t wait to be 18 but your mind just has no idea what the future holds. Being a 16-year-old was difficult enough. Going through that stage where you think a boy might like you which can be exciting but doesn’t last very long. Perhaps college will bring new friendships?

I was so happy that it reunited me with people from primary school. I always thought that some people were shocked to see that I knew certain people. But I did. College was so hard. You gain more independence. But oh my, there’s a whole lot of hard work. Sometimes I would get the grades I wanted and other times I didn’t.

Your first 3 months of college can be spent as someone who’s challenging who you are.

Getting into a relationship with someone you barely knew but it was one of those things that happens because it happens. Trying to keep a hold on where friendships are going. Coming to terms with the fact that some people can just be strange or choose not to be associated with you. The “Oh I think a boy likes me” comes back into play just when you think you can’t be liked again. But then you realise you’re not like the girls you see photos of on Facebook or around in general. Being pretty or fun enough was hard. You’ve done a few things you probably wouldn’t have expected yourself to. But then you’re tired of trying to make things happen so you decide to live.

You realise that you were stuck in-between trying to be yourself and also trying to follow the crowd. That doesn’t work for you.

Chapter 4: From then onwards

All in all, university didn’t really live up to my expectations. Although the day of graduation feels surreal when you’re up on the stage and realise that 3 years of your life have gone by so fast. In July, another 3 years will have passed since that day. You don’t even have to worry who’s watching you in the audience or in the photos. You know they’ll be in your life forever. Perhaps you won’t stay close to all of your uni friends. But you’ll keep in touch with one or two for sure. Your group of friends was small for a reason.

Again, like college, university challenged you. You don’t like to look back on certain things. Everyone has opinions. You hate drama but seem to have caught up in it at times. People won’t always see why you did what you did but you stand for everything because you know. That’s what matters. This chapter stays small even though it’s the biggest part because you look back.

The pieces of the puzzle fit together

Earlier in your life, you wondered what was going to happen next. Well, here’s where everything comes together and you see it happening. Someone who has been on your path several times is heading in the same direction with you. There were three key stages in your lives prior to this. Primary school, the summer holidays before you began college, and the first year of college itself (their second). You think that after they’re not there not year or so, that’s it. Just like everything else that passes.

A simple funny little message from you and your contact is back. Of all the people in his life, he hasn’t forgotten about you. You remember the first time he ever complimented you. It turns out that the time apart was a very small part of your lives. As we got closer, I was frightened that it would all be taken away. I didn’t think he was beginning to feel what I did. But let’s look back on some key signs I may have overlooked at the time.

  • Your brother would choose to ask him “Where’s Tash?” on nights out.
  • The look in his eyes when he thought you were near somebody else hits you.
  • After all, he’s kept you safe for a while now.
  • He’s even lifted you over puddles in the rain.
  • He’s always there when you need someone to talk to.
  • He meant every single word you never wanted to believe for a very long time ago.

It’s him – he’s your happiness

You open your heart up to him. All of the mistakes you think you’ve ever made. From all the things he doesn’t already know, you tell him everything. That’s when everything falls together. It’s the second time round (that I was aware of) that he leant in to kiss me. Last time, I bit his lip and I was so nervous! In a room full of people, we just looked at each other and he held me. This time, I just knew it was meant to be.

The walks home at 2am in the morning. Holding my hand for the first time walking down the road. No care in the world other than the happiness in our faces and our hearts.

Ever since, he’s held my head up whenever I’ve been down. Wiped my tears away and turned them into smiles. Held my hand and travelled on so many adventures together. My biggest and most exciting adventure. This is where my happiness lies now and forever. The best decision I ever made because it’s lead to the greatest happiness.

To the people who think “It’ll change when you live together” you’re wrong.

When you’ve waited so long for that moment and took the time to make your relationship what it is, nothing changes who you are together. We waited for each other for so long, we know that nothing in the world can faze us.

Valentine’s Edition: 20 Reasons I’m So Glad You’re Mine

You don’t need me to tell you that its Wednesday 14th February – Valentine’s Day. I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Oh here we go again. That day of the year where couples are devoting their love to one another.” Go back over 5 years ago, Valentine’s Day was just an ordinary day to me. I wasn’t one of those people who felt depressed because I was single on this one day of the year as well as the rest.

I never had a boyfriend, a date, a bouquet of flowers, a card etc. on Valentine’s Day. I wasn’t even one of those kids where their parents would write a card out for them. I probably wouldn’t have understood why if they ever did. So what’s changed since?

As I’ve already told you, I remember the first time someone wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. And even more so, it was so special to me. It wasn’t a random kind of text message. It wasn’t just a “Aww thanks!” moment. Ever since me and Danny got together there have been so many things I wish could’ve happened. But we just have to be glad that we are where we are today and we made it happen through believing in each other and the love we have for one another.

Here’s why I’m so glad your mine, not just on Valentine’s Day but for the rest of our lives.

I know you’re someone I can count on

You’re my rock whenever I’m at my lowest or just need a little push

You see me in a way that nobody else does

We can’t argue – we prefer a bit of silence that lasts about half an hour

We tackle challenges together

You’re the easiest person to laugh and joke with, even if it is at me

You look at me like nobody else does

Whenever someone asks me about the future, you’re there

Because you make me happy in every single way

We get the chance to miss each other

And we also get the chance to feel excited

We look forward to things together

We want to help each other chase our dreams

We motivate each other, because we both want nothing but happiness for each other

The one person I always wanted, wants me to

If we made it to where we are today, we can make it anywhere

You can make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world

I know that I can confide it you with no need for embarrassment

I’ve got you and you’ve got me

There’s nowhere else on earth I’d rather be

It’s amazing to think that I didn’t think you’d want me for more than two weeks. But when I look back, you asked me several times about being in a relationship. To the compliment you paid me back in 2010 to the many, many more along the way, you’ve everything and more that I’ve ever dreamed of.

What Missing You Really Means To Me

Have you told anyone “I’m missing you” recently? There are people who’ll come and go in your life. You’ll think you miss them. But when it comes down it, you’re not really missing them. Perhaps, you need to focus on something else or it’s the simple fact that, you use the phrase too loosely. As you get older it holds much more meaning. Sometimes, I miss seeing my best friend. But we’re always there for each other at the other end of the phone (when she remembers to reply) if not in person. I’ll tell my brothers I miss them and I often wonder if they miss me too. That’s just two examples but there are going to be two main focuses in this blog post. I share a memory of telling someone I miss them and I talk about those I miss every day.

The “I miss you” text message

Three words – ones which don’t mean a lot to some people. However, this ‘I miss you’ was so much more. I told someone I missed them in a texted message and I got them thinking I’d messaged the wrong person. Oh they were wrong. This was definitely meant for them. That night, I miss you opened up a whole new door. Or maybe the door was already open, they’d probably say it was. But I just took forever to see it. It led to one of the longest heart-to-hearts I’ve ever had with this person, and if anything, ever. I let go of all of my insecurities for one moment after letting tears stream down my face, and felt something.

I spent too long chasing other things and this sudden moment made me realise who I really was and what I was really feeling. I was falling in love. A feeling entered my mind and heart that made me feel like no one else was but us. Since this day, we’ve shared conquered a lot of challenges together, taken many adventures, and we’re even more in love with each other.

So now today, I dream of the day where we have our own home. So I won’t have to have those days when I miss him. He’s the person I need when times are the hardest and he’s also the person I have to share all of the best times with. When you feel this, it’s amazing, isn’t it?!

The I miss you letters I wrote to my grandparents

I still have these letters along with a lot of things that remind me of granny and grandad. Whenever I see a star in the sky, I see them loving over us. I’ve thought it ever since granny was the first one out of the two to fly into heaven, when I was 7-years-old. Night after night I had to see that same star shining in the sky until I could sleep and go to bed. It was becoming a thing I’d still do if someone was babysitting me. Then I realised that maybe I could look outside my bedroom window. Granny and grandad were two of the most heart-warming people. You don’t need me to tell you that, memories are precious. But I will say that these two people shown me how important it is to live for each moment of each day.

I think when you look at an old photograph or a piece of something that reminds you of someone and it can still cause tears to roll down your face, you know it still hurts that they’re gone. It one thing that I know won’t ever stop. But that’s okay because it means they’ll always be in my heart. I imagine they’re still me sometimes so that I’m still sharing everything with them. Granny saw very closely, the girl I used to be. And grandad saw the little girl turning into a teenager. Wishing they could see me as the young woman I am today won’t bring them back. So every day, whether it’s out loud or in my head, I let them know that I miss them.

Who was the last person you said, “I miss you” to?

I’ll Love You Forever

What does love mean to you? It’s always nice to talk about love. The one that’s true. A wonderful, long-lasting feeling. Some people experience the kind where they’re hurt by the ones they love the most. But I like to think about the people who really love me too.

He’s my ‘kind of person’ because he’s like no other

The kind of people who accept me for me, are the people I want to be around. I also want to be the person who surrounds others in accepting who they are. The people close to me know certain things about me. But it takes a special kind of person to really know you. Do you know who that person is in your life?

If you’ve read my blog before, especially the love or relationships tag, you’ll probably know who that person is for me. You’ll have read about someone named Danny quite a fair bit! If you haven’t, once you do, you’ll probably get it. He creates all kinds of happiness for me. Especially when I’m feeling at my lowest.

The kind that can always put a smile on my face

Some people don’t see why certain people need to be unhappy. But it’s not that we need to be. Mainly, it’s because we care too much about the little things. Being with Danny has helped me grow into someone who needs to let go of certain things. He helps me to believe in myself like no one else can. We speak to each other on a level that sometimes only us might understand. But that’s for us and no one else to worry about.

Often he’s wondered if he’s a rubbish boyfriend whenever I’ve had something on my mind. He just wants all the worry in my mind to be taken away. But no matter how much things crawl back or new things that appear, he’s there throughout it all. And likewise, I’m there for him too.

To have someone when you achieve something is great. As with having someone there when you’re sad to comfort you, is even better. When that person is someone who you see in your life forever, makes it all the more great. Without a doubt, it’s something you’ve got to hold onto.

Because it’s a love forever

I want to hold onto him. He wouldn’t get rid of me very easily anyway!

I remember the beginning, well one chapter of the beginning. Those moments where we used to chill doing absolutely nothing. Just being with each other. It’s just as amazing now as it was then. Having that kind of someone tells me that my life is made. Through of life’s serious, silly, and whatever things may come our way, we’ve got each other.

There’s so much more to come our way. And when that starts to happen, these past years will be another chapter completed. Things will get better and our lives together will begin for real. Ah I can’t wait for the day where we have our own home. Picturing that day is what keeps us going as we aim towards that very moment.

Danny, you know it already, but I’ll love you forever.

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Parenthood is a dream for some, while it isn’t always expected for others. Whatever your situation, the nerves and excitement eventually kick in during the pregnancy stage. Amid all the morning sickness and other side effects that is. But isn’t all that worth it to know you’re bringing a new life into the world? As scary of a feeling I imagine it to be, I hope to bring my own children into the world one day.

Seeing a child come into this world is extra special to me. Whenever I’ve seen new life come into the world, from someone who I’m close to, I love to capture that very moment. It’s a brand new life being welcomed into the world. Tiny feet, tiny hands, that little button nose. What a beautiful moment.

Baby loss with the people close to me

Then a part of me feels something else. I think about all of the people close to me who have lost children. There are several kinds of pregnancy loss. All can be as heart-breaking as the other. That’s why, if I’m lucky enough to have children in the future, I will take that moment and hold it close to my heart forever. I’ll precious each and every moment.

As a little girl, I was oblivious to the fact that my mum had more than one miscarriage and also lost her little girl. My mum only ever very openly spoke to me about Nicola last year. Things had been mentioned previously but never with such descriptive and emotional detail. That’s something which torn my mum to pieces in the process, but she knows that it would be so valuable to baby loss awareness stories.

There’s a photo of Nicola in our house. But we don’t look at it a lot. It never gets any easier for my mum and dad to see. It takes them back to the very day it all happened. That one photo takes my mum on a flood of emotional downfalls. We never forget 9 December. I always try to do something small but special on that day. And every day, I just want to be the ‘little miracle’ that mum and dad always wished for.

Their little miracle

I can’t even imagine how mum and dad felt when I was coming into the world three months early. First they didn’t even think it was possible to conceive a girl again, and then something else happens. Someone out there obviously wanted to give my mum and dad the little girl they’ve always wanted earlier than expected. And it was all worth it when they could finally hold me. In that moment, the bleeping heart monitors, portholes, and breathing tubes disappeared. The moment froze in time.

You’re not alone

To anyone who’s grieving right now, there’s always someone out there to talk to. You need to know that. You don’t have to be alone. Take a look at Tommy’s website. I received a tremendous amount of support from a lady at Tommy’s named Devina when fundraising for the charity. Their overall resources available, as well their commitment to helping others during these heart-breaking experiences is absolutely amazing.

Raising awareness of baby loss is something I will always want to do. And I hope to complete more awareness and fundraising activities in the future.

The silence definitely needs to be broken on this topic.

Loving Someone Opens Up A Whole New Perspective

Loving someone is so wonderul. Sometimes I wish I could feel a tiny glance of what love life was like years and years ago. I wonder how it felt to go to the movies. A time where people weren’t glued to their phones or other devices. When I imagine music to be an important way of communicating with each other.

Life behind the screen

Just the other night, John Legend said to the crowd that nowadays people are too bothered about how many likes they get on social media. He’s right. What ever happened to pure love and romance behind a screen? To be fair, me and Danny make it a thing to go to the cinema. His mates don’t have to get it. Neither does anyone else with anything we do for that matter. It’s our life. And we’ll share these moments together.

If you love someone, really love someone, keep the romance alive. Some people seem to think it’s not a thing to do nowadays. But whenever I see an elderly couple holding hands or giving each other a kiss on the cheek, I aspire to grow old and in love like them. You shouldn’t be bothered about what other people think. Especially the ones that think you’re soppy.

Loving someone for all of the little things

True love doesn’t come into your life every day. So if you’re falling in love right now, accept it. Don’t push it aside. Believe in yourself and believe in the person you’re in love with. You’ve got to give things a chance before you throw away something which could be so amazing.

The day might have come already. They might have known it long before you told yourself to believe it. They might have felt it from the moment your cried and poured your heart out to them. From the first long-lasting look you gave each other. Your laugh. They know and they’ll tell you about all of the little things one day.

You still doubt yourself though. You’ve seen people push you down, maybe not intentionally, but definitely not unknowingly. People will seemingly be your shoulder to cry on and be the complete opposite the next. The understanding types turn into people who just want to come across as though they’re better than you.

They’ve got you

You feel weak for letting certain people in. It’s not something you usually do. Sometimes it can feel like the fire keeps burning. No matter how much water you throw, it just won’t go out. The truth is, no matter what you’ve heard, or seen, you’ve got to be stronger than this. You’ve got to get that bigger perspective back. The one that tells you how it really is.

I haven’t always been the most confident person. But I used to feel a lot more confident in myself than I do today. Communication wise, I’ve improved massively. But I’m guilty of telling myself that I hate a lot of things about myself. Sometimes when I start to feel better about them, the dullness comes back again. Nobody has to understand. But there’s someone who will always comfort you.

Now I think about it. I wish I was the care-free version of me again. But when you’ve got that person who can you lift you up no matter what, the love is real. Do those traditional things with the person you love. Make time for one another. Dedicate a certain day of the month/year where you’ll have your own little tradition.

They love you so why can’t you love yourself?

Let those who pass by talk. Hold each other’s hand. Laugh. Cherish the nights in. Listen to how each other’s days have been, no matter how hectic. Let them lift you in the air. And after it all, relax. Take the moment in and hold each other close.

I like the life I live behind the screen. I like writing about it too, as you can tell. But sometimes I just don’t like me. Criticising yourself can be one of the biggest challenges you face. Without that one person who lifts your head up when you’re looking down, you think you’re alone. They’re always there though. Always. And they’ll tell you there’s nothing wrong with you and kiss you on the forehead.

You’re what they need. No opinions in the world don’t matter. Take all those conclusions and wonders out of your mind. Live and love each other. Do your thing your way.