hearts in the sky

What does 4th July mean to me?

4th July – I like to think it’s where it all began. The date marks a special memory for Danny and I and it doesn’t have anything to do with America celebrating Independence Day! On 4th July 2010, we met with a couple of friends to say goodbye to our primary school before it was being knocked down. Not for one minute did I imagine that day would play a part in where we are today.

Most days our version of saying “Hi” was smiling at one another when we bumped into each other or passed in the college corridors. I even remember going into reception as I was about 5 minutes away from my Spanish lesson beginning. I didn’t like how I looked that day but he still turned my way and smiled. Then there was there was a day I was sat outside an exam room waiting for my speaking exam like a nervous wreck… again for Spanish!

I look back and wish I had more confidence to bring more conversation in person. We always had a laugh and spoke to each other through texts. I didn’t see back then what I do now. Everyone asked if there was anything between us and I would say, “Noooo, we just love having each other to talk to.” How wrong was I?!

We were out of touch for a year or so. Little did I know, things were about to change. The friendship was always there. We went on so many nights out together with friends. I lost count of the times we would spent chatting away on the curb outside whilst everyone else carried on the drunken antics waiting for food or a taxi home. The conversations were about absolutely anything – it was just so easy. We had come a long way from the silence in the corridors! At this point, I knew there was a connection, something that got stronger as the weeks went by. And the weeks turned into months.

What happened next? We were speaking most days or every day now. Danny gave me my first “Happy Valentine’s Day” message. He carried me over the puddles in the rain on Boxing Day 2012 (remembering key dates again). We would always dance together. The smiles were meaning more every time we looked at each other. Danny always made sure I got home safe – he even waited outside a club for me once. There wasn’t a time where he didn’t look out for me. Whenever I entered the same room, he would come and give me a hug. So, most people would think we were together now. And when I look back at photos, I think, “Wow, Danny didn’t half stick around!”

We finally had a realisation, it was probably mostly me to blame for taking so long. One night in the midst of everyone having fun and enjoying themselves, we took a moment to ourselves.

After several attempts of figuring out and asking if I would be his girlfriend, I finally took some faith in the friendship we had. I was always terrified if anything went wrong and would ruin in. What a fool, Tasha! Every day since has helped to building a new level closeness, my best friend, and the man I fall in love with every day.

Up until a few years ago, I said said my greatest fear was losing Danny. I don’t even picture that anymore. We dance in the living room, in the kitchen, wherever we feel like it, in the house we are happy to call our home. Those hugs from day one meant so much and now I get them every day. You might have read in earlier posts from December and January that Danny proposed – I am going to be his wife! I’m laughing as I type tis post because we always said if we were alone at 40, we would come back to each other. Turns out, we were never going to wait that long. Of course, there’s more love in the air because we are going to be parents. 4th July this year marks 5 weeks until our first baby’s due date. He clearly knows I am talking about him because he is wriggling around inside me right now.

The reason for sharing this post is to show that trusting your feelings and letting go of “what ifs” can make a whole lot of difference in life. Danny and I can look back and see everything we have built together even through the many things that have hit us. Whether it be difficult days or exciting days, he will always be the one I turn to. There’s no one than knows me better than Danny. The most romantic, kind-hearted, handsome man I am lucky to call mine.

Here’s to the next chapter and falling in love all over again when we meet our baby boy and get the wedding planning started.

blue booties on woman's belly

Things I’ll miss about pregnancy

[Photo from Pixabay]

Ever since the third trimester began, I started to realise the whole pregnancy journey goes so fast, even the parts you thought were dragging. Almost 7 weeks to go now until my due date. Quite a few friends and family members think he will here sooner. We can’t wait!

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about all of the things I’ll miss about pregnancy. The days have suddenly arrived where my ankles disappear, I might throw up, or I just want to go to sleep. These things are more than worth it when I know I’m bringing a new little life into the world, even more exciting that it’s our first.

Watching my bump grow…

…soon be a baby to hold in my arms. I can’t wait to look into those eyes of his for the first time. I have a photo on my phone capturing the first time I thought I had a ‘bump’ like appearance. Wow, wow, wow! The difference now is just incredible. There’s an actual baby boy inside me and it shows.

Feeling bump move…

The bump that will soon be a little baby boy wriggling around in the real world, in our home. I remember the first time I felt the tiniest of flutters, I got all giddy and excited. Then when the real kicks, movements, and tumbles arrived it’s been what feels like the most thrilling rollercoaster – literally.

Having an excuse to eat whatever whenever

Maybe that’s a little lie because let’s be honest, I’ll still eat all of the goodies I want to. That aside, I doubt I’ll be eating dry crackers at any hour of the day to help but sickness at bay. Twice now I have bought a cheesecake knowing I am the only person in the house who will eat it… what a chunk.

There’s much more to come…

Danny and I have such a special bond with baby bump already. Ever since he has been snuggled up inside me we have listened to music, danced together, had little conversations with him, rubbed my stomach when he moves etc. We can only image the unconditional love we will have from the minute he is born. No doubt I’ll be teary eyed with the biggest smile on my face for a long while. I understand there will be sleepless nights, challenging days, and maybe times where I don’t know how to keep it together… but it will be our kind of perfect because our first baby is going to light up our lives like nothing or no one ever has before.

baby boy star shaped balloon

We Are Having a Baby Boy!

About a month after we discovered I was pregnant, there were many questions on our minds, one being “I wonder if we are having a boy or girl?” For us, the most important thing is that our baby is healthy and developing well but it’s exciting to think about whether you are bringing a baby boy or girl into the world.

Before the 20 week scan

Leading up to the 20 week anatomy scan, I just wanted to be sure everything was okay. I have worried about a couple of things along the way but I am only human. I guess those mum feelings kick in right away eh? Each week I learn about how our baby is developing and what’s new. From around the moment their heart starts to beat to having tiny fingers, toes and nails, to growing their vital organs and being able to recognise their gender on a scan.

The day of the 20 week scan

The day had finally arrived! As excited as I felt to see our baby, I’ll admit I was little nervous. “What if the sonographer picks something up? Have I been doing everything I can to make sure they are as healthy as possible?

Our appointment was early in the morning at 8am so we didn’t have to wait around wondering for part of the day. We entered the room, I lay on the bed and the sonographer put some gel on my stomach to start the ultrasound. She gave us a quick glimpse of baby, said she will do all of the checks then come back to show us baby again at the end in more detail.

I was asked to lie on my left side because baby was in a funny position and then asked to lie on my right side. The silence killed me wondering what was going on. A couple of tears strolled down my eyes. Moments later the sonographer turned the screen to us and there were no concerns.

I smiled and heart began to relax. Oh my, their little hands, arms, legs, heart beating strong, even their eye sockets! I fell in love all over again. Danny squeezed my hand then he started to tear up. Everything’s okay. In fact, it’s amazing. Our little dream come true is growing well and everything looks healthy. And guess what? We are having a BABY BOY! A big brother to our second child in the future (we hope). He was looking right at us and gave us a wave.

Were any of the gender myths true?

Quite a few people asked me if I had signs or feelings along the way that it’s a boy or girl. The truth is, no. This is my first pregnancy so I have nothing to compare it to. And it turns out all of the baby gender myths weren’t true for me. I have become a chocoholic, haven’t had any real cravings, typical morning sickness in the first trimester etc. One thing I didn’t have before I was pregnant is indigestion and that sure loves to kick in every now and again, especially at the night time.

Boy or girl, we always knew our baby would we loved so much even before they are born. We are imagining so many special moments in the future. 

We are having a son who will be a page boy when we get married! I am imagining the cuteness already. There are so many magical moments happening for us and there isn’t anyone else I would want to experience them all with but Danny. We’ve got this!

Here’s to seeing you again, our beautiful baby boy. 

teddy bear waving

What Being a ‘Mum to Be’ Means to Me

Am I really a mum to be? Yes I am and it feels so amazing.

While this is such an exciting time in my life, I’m not ignorant towards the topic of pregnancy loss, nor have I ever been since a I was child. Some women I’m very close to, have lost a child. It’s raw but it’s real.

I know people who have miscarried at different stages of their pregnancy, or  experienced a still birth. My mum fits into both of these categories, someone who I love so much and every day I think about how strong she is. I also have friends who have health issues which causes barriers for them to be able to get pregnant. I’ll always remember them and what they’ve been/are going through.

This post hasn’t been published to disregard anyone’s feelings, it’s simply to share how my mum to be journey is going and how it feels for me. Even my mum says, “Nothing should stop me from the light that pregnancy brings to your life, especially when it’s for the first time.” She (and Danny most days pre-pregnancy) has taught me how important it is to be happy and to focus on whatever triggers. Now, my first pregnancy is something beyond that. It’s an experience which I am sure I’ll never forget and I am learning to cherish every moment.

One thing I’ve always wondered is, what it’s like when you know you have a baby inside you. How does it feel? Does it change you? There are days when I panic, others when I wonder if I have exercised enough.

Doing everything I can

Anyone who knows me, understands that I did everything in my power to put my body in it’s healthiest state when trying to get pregnant. I wanted to sort some medical bits out, speak to my doctor and gynaecology department to check if I would be putting me/baby at risk if I was to fall pregnant. They didn’t doubt me, they offered to help and support me wherever I needed it. It’s like they knew it was my time. And I wasn’t shy to share the fact that we have always known we wanted a baby. I just never knew if it could happen because we hadn’t tried before without contraception. 

My GP was in touch a lot in the first trimester to check on me, mostly due to the fact that I have chronic hypertension. But more so, because my body was about to go through some big changes and I was bound to have questions. Before seeing the midwife, I remember asking him over the phone, “Am I definitely pregnant?” And he said, “Natasha, the amount of positive tests you have, there’s your answer.” I was in some kind of disbelief that we had been given this chance, something we have always dreamed of.

Getting pregnant has always been an image in my future ever since I was younger. I remember going shopping with my mum and I would always run to the baby clothes section, that hasn’t changed to this day. I’ve never really been afraid to hold a new born baby and I have always looked into their eyes and wondered what it would be like to hold one of my own some day.

Dreams do come true

And now, the dream is coming to life. The day I seen those two pink lines then the word Pregnant on a pregnancy test, my whole world froze for the most surreal moment ever. I remember thinking, “Wow, we have made a new life. A little one to call ours.”

For days I wondered how our baby would start to grow, what they look like, is my body strong enough to take this on? Is there anything I can do more of? What shouldn’t I be doing? The list of questions went on.

As much as there are hard days and confusing times during my pregnancy journey, I never for one minute forget how blessed I am. Since I have had a visible bump, I must look in the mirror at least once a day and smile. I talk to my baby bump, I sing, and we dance together.

I want to give our baby everything and more. They will know what it’s like to be loved, cared for, and how important a family is. Just the other day, I was talking to Danny and there was a little quiz on the pregnancy app I’m using. It asked about the qualities you would like your child to have, things to understand when growing up etc. Every answer we gave was the same, and we said them simultaneously.

We are already factoring our baby’s future into everything we do. We are good at working as a team and I can’t wait until we become an extended team of 3. We are both keeping busy and I am whizzing round the house tidying and cleaning as much as I can. What’s new there? Danny is doing a lot of painting, he has the patience of a saint. I won’t lie, I only did a small amount of painting in the nursery but still, I’m in 1000% house maintaining mode and doing my usual thing. In the process of my daily routine I have started to realise how clumsy I am… or maybe just a lot more than I already was? Oh and it’s official, my name is Tasha and I’m a chocoholic!

I stared at the room once it had been painted and I choked with emotions – happiness, warmth, and excitement. What was once our little office is now a room becoming our son or daughter’s bedroom. We have a white cabinet with shelves that has some toiletry bits on, story books, Winnie the Pooh storage boxes with clothes, that kind of stuff. Sometimes, I walk into the room just to remind myself that as each day passes by, we are one step closer to meeting our baby.

Every time I see mums and dads pushing babies in their prams by the river at home, it makes me feel so happy. That’ll be us in the summer!

This is such a special journey. The next highlight will be finding out baby’s gender which will probably be the topic of my next blog post so keep a look out.