teddy sat alone on bed

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Parenthood is a dream for some, while it isn’t always expected for others. Whatever your situation, the nerves and excitement eventually kick in during the pregnancy stage. Amid all the morning sickness and other side effects that is. But isn’t all that worth it to know you’re bringing a new life into the world? As scary of a feeling I imagine it to be, I hope to bring my own children into the world one day.

Seeing a child come into this world is extra special to me. Whenever I’ve seen new life come into the world, from someone who I’m close to, I love to capture that very moment. It’s a brand new life being welcomed into the world. Tiny feet, tiny hands, that little button nose. What a beautiful moment.

Baby loss affecting the people close to me

Then a part of me feels something else. I think about all of the people close to me who have lost children. There are several kinds of pregnancy loss. All can be as heart-breaking as the other. That’s why, if I’m lucky enough to have children in the future, I will take that moment and hold it close to my heart forever. I’ll precious each and every moment.

As a little girl, I was oblivious to the fact that my mum had more than one miscarriage and also lost her little girl. My mum only ever very openly spoke to me about Nicola last year. Things had been mentioned previously but never with such descriptive and emotional detail. That’s something which torn my mum to pieces in the process, but she knows that it would be so valuable to baby loss awareness stories.

There’s a photo of Nicola in our house. But we don’t look at it a lot. It never gets any easier for my mum and dad to see. It takes them back to the very day it all happened. That one photo takes my mum on a flood of emotional downfalls. We never forget 9 December. I always try to do something small but special on that day. And every day, I just want to be the ‘little miracle’ that mum and dad always wished for.

“Our little miracle” they said

I can’t even imagine how mum and dad felt when I was coming into the world three months early. First they didn’t even think it was possible to conceive a girl again, and then something else happens. Someone out there obviously wanted to give my mum and dad the little girl they’ve always wanted earlier than expected. And it was all worth it when they could finally hold me. In that moment, the bleeping heart monitors, portholes, and breathing tubes disappeared. The moment froze in time.

You’re not alone

To anyone who’s grieving right now, there’s always someone out there to talk to. You need to know that. You don’t have to be alone. Take a look at Tommy’s website. I received a tremendous amount of support from a lady at Tommy’s named Devina when fundraising for the charity. Their overall resources available, as well their commitment to helping others during these heart-breaking experiences is absolutely amazing.

Raising awareness of baby loss is something I will always want to do. And I hope to complete more awareness and fundraising activities in the future.

The silence definitely needs to be broken on this topic.

Bonfire Night Reminds Us of One of the Last Memories We Shared Together

Yesterday, my brothers and I spent Bonfire Night together. The last time we were all together in the same place was sixteen years ago with our grandparents. And 5th November 2015 was the day that we last seen Daniel’s nana.

The park

As we were walking up to the park, me and one of my brothers were walking in front. I turned to him and said “This brings back memories of the last time we walked up here with granny and grandad.” And he responded by saying, “Wow Tash, you were 6!”

But that’s where my memory remembers the most special memories of all.

I remember that evening so clearly. I was wearing my hat, scarf and gloves. Grandad had his camcorder as usual and filmed the moments of the evening. I still have to this tape to this day. I couldn’t be more grateful for all the memories grandad brings back to life. Even though he no longer with us in person, the memories live forever. Granny and grandad shared so many times with us and it makes them extra special to look back on with video material.

Funny thought…

16 years back to 5th November 2000 was the night that my wobbly tooth became even more wobbly. I won one of those blow up character things on Hook a Duck. On this evening, I tried to open the part where you blow more air into it with my teeth, and it led to my tooth becoming even looser.

It was a fun night even if it was freezing. Grandad even let Phil and Gaz have a go of the camera. When I play the moments back to myself, hearing the words granny and grandad almost tear my heart apart, especially when it’s them saying our names. But to smile at those times helps a little.

Last night really took me back to those exact moments. I’d been to the same firework display last year with my boyfriend – but this year it meant something so much more to spend it with my brothers again in the same place as before.

To some people, it’s just a park in Salford, and to be honest, we’ve probably thought the same but seeing us together, I know that it brought back memories for the three of us than it did for everyone else we had around us.

Remember how important memories are

I always want my niece to enjoy the greatest things in life, just like granny and grandad did for us. That’s why as soon as we arrived, we asked her if she wanted to go on a ride, eat some candy floss… what did she choose? She wanted to have a go on Hook a Duck.

I smiled. I lifted the hook with her as we hooked a duck and she chose a princess accessory set as her prize. We also seen my mum’s best friend, which was really nice.

Bringing back positive flashbacks

When we went back to where the bonfire was, it was nearly time for the fireworks so we stood chatting for a bit. Then we heard the first bang in the sky. My niece was scared a little but she braved it in the end, apart from saying her feet were too cold. Me and Phil made a comment to each other about how it reminded us both of the same night.

Then we stood in silence and watched the fireworks. Phil was behind me but I looked in to the side of me and seen Gaz look up to the sky. He was actually paying attention to them, just as he did that night. At this moment, I wished there were two more people with us. But I did hope that they were one of the stars in the sky.

It doesn’t matter how many years go by or how fast time passes, people like those two with never escape from my heart.