balloons close up in the sky

What Missing You Really Means To Me

Have you told anyone “I’m missing you” recently? There are people who’ll come and go in your life. You’ll think you miss them. But when it comes down it, you’re not really missing them. Perhaps, you need to focus on something else or it’s the simple fact that, you use the phrase too loosely.

As you get older it holds much more meaning. Sometimes, I miss seeing my best friend. But we’re always there for each other at the other end of the phone (when she remembers to reply) if not in person. I’ll tell my brothers I miss them and I often wonder if they miss me too. That’s just two examples but there are going to be two main focuses in this blog post. I share a memory of telling someone I miss them and I talk about those I miss every day.

The “I miss you” text message

Three words – ones which don’t mean a lot to some people. However, this ‘I miss you’ was so much more. I told someone I missed them in a texted message and I got them thinking I’d messaged the wrong person. Oh they were wrong. This was definitely meant for them. That night, I miss you opened up a whole new door. Or maybe the door was already open, they’d probably say it was. But I just took forever to see it. It led to one of the longest heart-to-hearts I’ve ever had with this person, and if anything, ever. I let go of all of my insecurities for one moment after letting tears stream down my face, and felt something.

I spent too long chasing other things and this sudden moment made me realise who I really was and what I was really feeling. I was falling in love. A feeling entered my mind and heart that made me feel like no one else was but us. Since this day, we’ve shared conquered a lot of challenges together, taken many adventures, and we’re even more in love with each other.

So now today, I dream of the day where we have our own home. So I won’t have to have those days when I miss him. He’s the person I need when times are the hardest and he’s also the person I have to share all of the best times with. When you feel this, it’s amazing, isn’t it?!

The I miss you letters I wrote to my grandparents

I still have these letters along with a lot of things that remind me of granny and grandad. Whenever I see a star in the sky, I see them loving over us. I’ve thought it ever since granny was the first one out of the two to fly into heaven, when I was 7-years-old. Night after night I had to see that same star shining in the sky until I could sleep and go to bed. It was becoming a thing I’d still do if someone was babysitting me. Then I realised that maybe I could look outside my bedroom window. Granny and grandad were two of the most heart-warming people. You don’t need me to tell you that, memories are precious. But I will say that these two people shown me how important it is to live for each moment of each day.

I think when you look at an old photograph or a piece of something that reminds you of someone and it can still cause tears to roll down your face, you know it still hurts that they’re gone. It one thing that I know won’t ever stop. But that’s okay because it means they’ll always be in my heart. I imagine they’re still me sometimes so that I’m still sharing everything with them. Granny saw very closely, the girl I used to be. And grandad saw the little girl turning into a teenager. Wishing they could see me as the young woman I am today won’t bring them back. So every day, whether it’s out loud or in my head, I let them know that I miss them.

Who was the last person you said, “I miss you” to?

The Meaning of Christmas to Me

Christmas, a time for everyone to be merry and feel festive, right? The meaning of Christmas might bring back a sad memory for some but whatever you do this year, I hope you get to spend it with the ones you love. That’s exactly what I intend to do. There are people I miss so much throughout the year and especially at Christmas. I always look back to my childhood and see my face light up when I see them. It’s those kind of things that you hold close to your heart that makes you want to enjoy the Christmas season even more.

Another year goes by but you don’t forget the precious memories

Last year I told you why I was excited for December. Baby John was happily welcomed into the world, I was nominated in the lifestyle category of the public vote for the UK Blog Awards, I had my first experience of being a television runner, and I couldn’t wait for Christmas.

This year has flown by. I feel like I’ve said that for the past few years now. But 2017, seriously, where on earth did you go? I started the year off still knowing that I wanted something more, something better for me. Similar to last year, I’m looking forward to the Christmas break and I made it to the nominated stage of the UK Blog Awards again. Yay! I know nothing will happen from here but it’s still great to see what I’ve achieved.

As a child I would dream of hearing those jingle bells. I would eventually close my eyes and wish the night away. Waking up and waking mum and dad up to go downstairs never felt so magical. One year there was massive Crayola board. Wow I was so happy.

Then another year, there was a purple bike – a proper ‘I’m growing up’ kind of bike. Granny and grandad would put little Christmas stickers all over our presents (the actual presents, not just the wrapping paper). I’ve got a DVD here, which is one of the ones I had converted from a cassette tape. It’s got us all singing, obviously I sound terrible, and the relationship between me and my brothers hasn’t changed. The main thing you can see, is the look on our faces, true happiness. All just happy to have each other.

Let’s make this Christmas just as special

That’s what I want Christmas to be about every year. There always seems to be some kind of stress. Who’s hosting? Who’s making Christmas dinner? Rushing around to here and there. Nope. I don’t want to see that. I want to spend Christmas doing exactly what I should be doing. Being grateful to have all of those people who are in my life. Each and every one for their own reasons. But to live not only for ourselves, but our loved ones who are no longer with us in person.

We spend so much time throughout the year with unnecessary worry, some necessary, but what matters is, having each other. Why can’t we all just live our lives in the way that makes us happy? Some people choose to have a new year’s resolution. Maybe mine needs to be to live life more my own way without worrying about what people think. I’ve definitely improved though I’d say. I’ve definitely grown and seen a stronger side to me that stands tall (if that counts for a 5ft, 3 inches and something!)

Christmas is a time to smile, be grateful for who and what you have, and to celebrate that we’re all here today. This Christmas, let’s enjoy the festive songs, laugh, enjoy the food, and have a wonderful day, just as it should be. Put everything aside just for this one day and really take in what it’s about.

Everyone’s got their own meaning of Christmas – what’s yours?

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Parenthood is a dream for some, while it isn’t always expected for others. Whatever your situation, the nerves and excitement eventually kick in during the pregnancy stage. Amid all the morning sickness and other side effects that is. But isn’t all that worth it to know you’re bringing a new life into the world? As scary of a feeling I imagine it to be, I hope to bring my own children into the world one day.

Seeing a child come into this world is extra special to me. Whenever I’ve seen new life come into the world, from someone who I’m close to, I love to capture that very moment. It’s a brand new life being welcomed into the world. Tiny feet, tiny hands, that little button nose. What a beautiful moment.

Baby loss with the people close to me

Then a part of me feels something else. I think about all of the people close to me who have lost children. There are several kinds of pregnancy loss. All can be as heart-breaking as the other. That’s why, if I’m lucky enough to have children in the future, I will take that moment and hold it close to my heart forever. I’ll precious each and every moment.

As a little girl, I was oblivious to the fact that my mum had more than one miscarriage and also lost her little girl. My mum only ever very openly spoke to me about Nicola last year. Things had been mentioned previously but never with such descriptive and emotional detail. That’s something which torn my mum to pieces in the process, but she knows that it would be so valuable to baby loss awareness stories.

There’s a photo of Nicola in our house. But we don’t look at it a lot. It never gets any easier for my mum and dad to see. It takes them back to the very day it all happened. That one photo takes my mum on a flood of emotional downfalls. We never forget 9 December. I always try to do something small but special on that day. And every day, I just want to be the ‘little miracle’ that mum and dad always wished for.

Their little miracle

I can’t even imagine how mum and dad felt when I was coming into the world three months early. First they didn’t even think it was possible to conceive a girl again, and then something else happens. Someone out there obviously wanted to give my mum and dad the little girl they’ve always wanted earlier than expected. And it was all worth it when they could finally hold me. In that moment, the bleeping heart monitors, portholes, and breathing tubes disappeared. The moment froze in time.

You’re not alone

To anyone who’s grieving right now, there’s always someone out there to talk to. You need to know that. You don’t have to be alone. Take a look at Tommy’s website. I received a tremendous amount of support from a lady at Tommy’s named Devina when fundraising for the charity. Their overall resources available, as well their commitment to helping others during these heart-breaking experiences is absolutely amazing.

Raising awareness of baby loss is something I will always want to do. And I hope to complete more awareness and fundraising activities in the future.

The silence definitely needs to be broken on this topic.