How Your Happiness Changes Over the Years

When I was a little girl I used to wonder what was beyond the happiness I had then. I remember the time my face lit up when I got a purple bike for Christmas or the time before that when I had this huge Crayola board. Let’s take a look through my life.

Chapter 1: Primary school

Happiness was playing with water and sand in primary school. Thinking you were so artistic with paint when you used to do that thing where you splatter it everywhere with different colours. Learning how to read, write, and listen. Learning a bit of Italian. Understanding what polite mannerisms are.

Being the kid that enjoyed maths and English. Running around carelessly in the playground. And then running to your parents at the school gate. Getting new stationery and cute little outfits when mum or the grandparents would take me shopping. Oh and how can I forget the endless amount of sweets at the pick ‘n’ pix?!

The school holidays were so exciting as you got spend lots of time with your friends and family. This continues into high school.

And I was still the aiming high kind of person. I wanted to work as hard as I could to get the best grades I could. Happiness at this point had more downfalls than it did in primary school.

Chapter 2: High school

The worst thing to happen to me during primary school was losing my granny. So I thought the hardest thing about high school but be difficult GCSE exams. Nope. I like to think I handled them pretty well. Grandad passed away in the second year of high school. You lose one and you think the other will stay forever. If that was a dream then what are you supposed to do when someone tells you to chase your dreams? Little did I know things were about to get harder.

High school brought bullies into my life. Not just to see it happening to others but to myself. I thought seeing others go through torture was horrible. It changes you as a person. You feel weak. Everything they do and say stays with you forever. You even start to wonder if the words they use describe you correctly. Or if you deserve things being thrown at you. It turns out I was the strong one and they were weak. They couldn’t do anything on their own but I got through the rest of high school with them being around. I stuck to working hard, enjoying time with friends and accepting that not everyone can accept you.

To be honest, I knew that from the get-go.

When the girls from the popular groups are superior to you. I remember my first week in year 7 (the first year of high school). One girl from my brother’s year was telling me what length to have my skirt. And another girl was telling her to leave me alone. I don’t think I wore a skirt from then on. Sticking to a pair of black pants and a white blouse was good for me.

I think about this one time my I was heading over to the toilets in the annex building alone. A boy in my year walked past and looked at me.  He turned around and said, are you in my year? I said yeah followed by answering with my name. From the large group of everyone who was ‘known’, someone stopped and took the time to see who I was. They weren’t nasty or judgemental – simply friendly.

Those kind of people would always say hi passing, cheer on the relay run at sports day, and had a laugh with you in class, they were the good moments. By year 10, I was happy again. I ignored everything that had ever got me down, started to put my hand up in class again, and walked with my head held high.

Chapter 3: College

I used to wonder who was going to hold my hand as I was getting older? Knowing that my parents will be there for me inevitably was sure. But what happens now?

Before you know it, you’re an adult. You see your brothers getting older and you think oh no, it means this is happening to me too. You might think you can’t wait to be 18 but your mind just has no idea what the future holds. Being a 16-year-old was difficult enough. Going through that stage where you think a boy might like you which can be exciting but doesn’t last very long. Perhaps college will bring new friendships?

I was so happy that it reunited me with people from primary school. I always thought that some people were shocked to see that I knew certain people. But I did. College was so hard. You gain more independence. But oh my, there’s a whole lot of hard work. Sometimes I would get the grades I wanted and other times I didn’t.

Your first 3 months of college can be spent as someone who’s challenging who you are.

Getting into a relationship with someone you barely knew but it was one of those things that happens because it happens. Trying to keep a hold on where friendships are going. Coming to terms with the fact that some people can just be strange or choose not to be associated with you. The “Oh I think a boy likes me” comes back into play just when you think you can’t be liked again. But then you realise you’re not like the girls you see photos of on Facebook or around in general. Being pretty or fun enough was hard. You’ve done a few things you probably wouldn’t have expected yourself to. But then you’re tired of trying to make things happen so you decide to live.

You realise that you were stuck in-between trying to be yourself and also trying to follow the crowd. That doesn’t work for you.

Chapter 4: From then onwards

All in all, university didn’t really live up to my expectations. Although the day of graduation feels surreal when you’re up on the stage and realise that 3 years of your life have gone by so fast. In July, another 3 years will have passed since that day. You don’t even have to worry who’s watching you in the audience or in the photos. You know they’ll be in your life forever. Perhaps you won’t stay close to all of your uni friends. But you’ll keep in touch with one or two for sure. Your group of friends was small for a reason.

Again, like college, university challenged you. You don’t like to look back on certain things. Everyone has opinions. You hate drama but seem to have caught up in it at times. People won’t always see why you did what you did but you stand for everything because you know. That’s what matters. This chapter stays small even though it’s the biggest part because you look back.

The pieces of the puzzle fit together

Earlier in your life, you wondered what was going to happen next. Well, here’s where everything comes together and you see it happening. Someone who has been on your path several times is heading in the same direction with you. There were three key stages in your lives prior to this. Primary school, the summer holidays before you began college, and the first year of college itself (their second). You think that after they’re not there not year or so, that’s it. Just like everything else that passes.

A simple funny little message from you and your contact is back. Of all the people in his life, he hasn’t forgotten about you. You remember the first time he ever complimented you. It turns out that the time apart was a very small part of your lives. As we got closer, I was frightened that it would all be taken away. I didn’t think he was beginning to feel what I did. But let’s look back on some key signs I may have overlooked at the time.

  • Your brother would choose to ask him “Where’s Tash?” on nights out.
  • The look in his eyes when he thought you were near somebody else hits you.
  • After all, he’s kept you safe for a while now.
  • He’s even lifted you over puddles in the rain.
  • He’s always there when you need someone to talk to.
  • He meant every single word you never wanted to believe for a very long time ago.

It’s him – he’s your happiness

You open your heart up to him. All of the mistakes you think you’ve ever made. From all the things he doesn’t already know, you tell him everything. That’s when everything falls together. It’s the second time round (that I was aware of) that he leant in to kiss me. Last time, I bit his lip and I was so nervous! In a room full of people, we just looked at each other and he held me. This time, I just knew it was meant to be.

The walks home at 2am in the morning. Holding my hand for the first time walking down the road. No care in the world other than the happiness in our faces and our hearts.

Ever since, he’s held my head up whenever I’ve been down. Wiped my tears away and turned them into smiles. Held my hand and travelled on so many adventures together. My biggest and most exciting adventure. This is where my happiness lies now and forever. The best decision I ever made because it’s lead to the greatest happiness.

To the people who think “It’ll change when you live together” you’re wrong.

When you’ve waited so long for that moment and took the time to make your relationship what it is, nothing changes who you are together. We waited for each other for so long, we know that nothing in the world can faze us.

What Missing You Really Means To Me

Have you told anyone “I’m missing you” recently? There are people who’ll come and go in your life. You’ll think you miss them. But when it comes down it, you’re not really missing them. Perhaps, you need to focus on something else or it’s the simple fact that, you use the phrase too loosely. As you get older it holds much more meaning. Sometimes, I miss seeing my best friend. But we’re always there for each other at the other end of the phone (when she remembers to reply) if not in person. I’ll tell my brothers I miss them and I often wonder if they miss me too. That’s just two examples but there are going to be two main focuses in this blog post. I share a memory of telling someone I miss them and I talk about those I miss every day.

The “I miss you” text message

Three words – ones which don’t mean a lot to some people. However, this ‘I miss you’ was so much more. I told someone I missed them in a texted message and I got them thinking I’d messaged the wrong person. Oh they were wrong. This was definitely meant for them. That night, I miss you opened up a whole new door. Or maybe the door was already open, they’d probably say it was. But I just took forever to see it. It led to one of the longest heart-to-hearts I’ve ever had with this person, and if anything, ever. I let go of all of my insecurities for one moment after letting tears stream down my face, and felt something.

I spent too long chasing other things and this sudden moment made me realise who I really was and what I was really feeling. I was falling in love. A feeling entered my mind and heart that made me feel like no one else was but us. Since this day, we’ve shared conquered a lot of challenges together, taken many adventures, and we’re even more in love with each other.

So now today, I dream of the day where we have our own home. So I won’t have to have those days when I miss him. He’s the person I need when times are the hardest and he’s also the person I have to share all of the best times with. When you feel this, it’s amazing, isn’t it?!

The I miss you letters I wrote to my grandparents

I still have these letters along with a lot of things that remind me of granny and grandad. Whenever I see a star in the sky, I see them loving over us. I’ve thought it ever since granny was the first one out of the two to fly into heaven, when I was 7-years-old. Night after night I had to see that same star shining in the sky until I could sleep and go to bed. It was becoming a thing I’d still do if someone was babysitting me. Then I realised that maybe I could look outside my bedroom window. Granny and grandad were two of the most heart-warming people. You don’t need me to tell you that, memories are precious. But I will say that these two people shown me how important it is to live for each moment of each day.

I think when you look at an old photograph or a piece of something that reminds you of someone and it can still cause tears to roll down your face, you know it still hurts that they’re gone. It one thing that I know won’t ever stop. But that’s okay because it means they’ll always be in my heart. I imagine they’re still me sometimes so that I’m still sharing everything with them. Granny saw very closely, the girl I used to be. And grandad saw the little girl turning into a teenager. Wishing they could see me as the young woman I am today won’t bring them back. So every day, whether it’s out loud or in my head, I let them know that I miss them.

Who was the last person you said, “I miss you” to?

A Letter to the Me Who Worries

A letter to yourself, some people might think that’s kinda strange. But I don’t. I’ve seen a few recently and it inspired me to create one of my very own. This is a letter to myself, the version of my that worries. Worry seems to be a thing I can’t always balance. There are times when I think, “Yes! I’m feeling so good.” Then something seems to knock it all back down. So if you’re someone like me, please read this post until the very end.

Stop being so self-critical on your appearance

The dry skin; spot; hair that really needs its highlights topping up; your weight; you’ve got a whole list haven’t you? People will tell you that you look okay. Your eyes might see something different than theirs but maybe you do look okay. Who says not looking okay means you need to have perfect skin or looking flawless day in and day out?

You feel bloated quite a lot. But don’t punish yourself by telling yourself that it’s ugly. Just because you’ve been ugly before, doesn’t mean that you are. When you do have that spare time though, take yourself to the hairdressers, a good pamper might just make you feel all the more wonderful.

Stop (or at least try) to stop the little things getting in your way

You can waste so much time battling thoughts in your head. Even when you think you’re in a place where you worry less about this, that, and everything, there’s something. At the back of your mind you feel a big anxious feeling. It’s horrible. No one else seems to get it. But you just want it to go away.

You can randomly wake up some mornings and you know it’s hit you. Try to show that feeling where to go! You’ve got to think that some of the things bothering you, wouldn’t bother others in the slightest. Be the person who carries on walking with their head up high regardless of what anyone says.

Stop getting caught up in things that don’t really matter – all of those little things that are your worries

Time after time you’ve tried to explain what’s wrong and half of the time you’ve sounded so silly. Others have been genuine. But for the other parts, you spent a lot of time wondering. A whole lot of sadness it brought you. Do you remember?

Imagine what your granny and grandad would say to you. Probably something like,

Tasha! Come on. Pull yourself together.

Well granny being the tough one that is. Grandad would tell you, just like he did, that it’s okay to feel down sometimes. But he’d hate the idea of you being down about yourself. As difficult as it might be, try to let go, and enjoy everything you have.

Start living your life your way in the happy way

See how we’ve got onto ‘start’ rather than ‘stop’? That’s because it’s time for you to start. You can carry on beating yourself up mentally. But you know just as much as others, it does no good whatsoever in several different ways. Start your day with more encouragement to yourself. Tell yourself you can do it, and if not, tell yourself you’ll learn how to and try your best.

Smile at every opportunity. Start doing your thing, rather than letting other people’s opinions, lives, and whatever get to you. Some people do this without realising. And you’ll realise that others’ lives aren’t always as perfect as they seem. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Just live. It’s what we’re all here to do. No matter how old you are, tell yourself you’ll make the most of life. And the big thing about this that others won’t see in the same way, it includes saying no. Turning something down or saying no doesn’t mean you aren’t making the most of something. It means you’re choosing what’s best for you at that given time. You’ll see a huge difference. Believe it and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

When you’re at the stage when you’re wondering what’s going on, remember why you started something. Try your best to leave those worries behind. If it’s still worth something today, keep at it. If it’s not, make a change. You’re in control. You’ve got this. And you will accomplish more than you ever imagined when you focus less on your worries.

Why You Don’t Have To Explain Yourself

Do you ever feel sick of having to explain yourself? Someone’s always got to ask why. Why can’t you go? Why can’t you afford it? Or “I just don’t understand…” and starts to add their own version of things up. The end of today has been one of those days where I just feel so fed up. Everyone sees a smiley face. Sometimes I feel like no one understands me. There are so many questions being asked that bug the life out of me. So here’s some thoughts about it all.

It’s your life and you have the right to make your decisions

The constant wonder of someone questioning your decisions. But they don’t need to be questioned. We all have own goals to pursue and ways of achieving them. Stop asking why or saying I don’t understand why you can’t just… It’s driving me insane. In time, people will see that why it was better to be so patient. And they will see just how amazing something can be when you stick to your guts.

It bugs me when someone judges or questions you just because you’re not doing what they would want to do. You hear so many people say, well if I was you or, I’ve never known you to like/not like…

Well guess what, I’m me! Thanks for telling me your thoughts but I think I do a better job of being myself than anybody else. If you can’t accept that I don’t/do want to do something, that’s your problem. Please don’t expressing your confusion or criticism with me. 

You don’t have to justify everything just because someone’s curious

I wish people could leave us to it. Stop making it your business to find out what I’m spending my money on. What does it really matter to you? Notice how you keep telling me your business but I never ask about yours because I honestly don’t make it any concern of mine. I’m sick of having other peoples’ problems on my mind. Hearing stories I don’t need to be told about frustrates me, especially when I’ve said before that I’m not interested.

I just feel so fed up recently even though I have good things happening around me. I have a roof over my head. I’m not starved; nor am I unwell. The doctor does want me to relax as my blood pressure has been high again. But as many of you will be aware, that’s exactly why I’m writing this post. Blogging is my therapeutic calming cure. It releases all of my thoughts and hey, it produces a new blog post for you all to read.

Wanting time alone or not putting everything in the open is allowed

What I’m trying to tell you when times get like this is, keep your head up. It’s so important to do your own thing. Of all the people in the world, there has to be some of us that believe in doing our own thing. The type of people that want to do something for themselves, as selfish as it may seem to others, is something I totally get. If you don’t then that’s fair enough.

How Our Body and Mind Reflects the Confidence We Have

This post couldn’t come at a more perfect time. With all of the thoughts going through my mind over the recent couple of months, it’s time to reflect once again. And this time it’s on confidence.

I am happy to say that I am finally happy with how my blog is. I was having all kinds of thoughts about how I wanted it to look different. But as it stands, I’m going to stick with it as it now. The much more important part is the content. I thought I was losing my love for writing but it turns out I was being side-tracked. Focusing on something which wasn’t as important – making everything look perfect.

Perfection doesn’t lead to confidence

There’s never a day where I think I look perfect, never mind the appearance of my blog. There are some days where I’ll feel good about myself but I’ll always find a flaw. People will compliment and I’ll still find that flaw. Over the past couple of special occasions I’ve felt quite fed up. Feeling like my blog wasn’t going anywhere anymore was part of this. Though, it hasn’t been the biggest factor. Now that I’ve seen giving it all up would be stupid it’s time to look at myself.

It’s funny really. People hear that I blog. They don’t know what it is. And sometimes I have to tell them to explore my blog in order to see what it’s all about. That’s because I’m happy to say that I don’t have a niche. It covers bits of everything – many different aspects of lifestyle experiences. And includes the odd sponsored post with brands here and there.

It’s time to change my outlook

Within these past couple of weeks I’ve noticed that one thing has changed my outlook on things. And that all begins with comparison. The worst thing you can ever do to yourself, comparing yourself to others.

I don’t always have the clearest skin; my belly is often bloated and feels horrible even when others don’t see it; I don’t like to show my ‘prettiest’ look every day. That’s okay. I actually cried last week. I know, I’m silly. But it can put you down once one thing gets to you and you let others follow.

Just because one dress doesn’t zip up doesn’t mean another won’t. Yes – I had a meltdown over clothes not fitting, looking like I’d put on weight (because I probably have put on a few pounds). Well, I’ve not done too bad in over the last couple of years or so considering how much I love food!

Things won’t always go to plan, or meet expectations. But you can try a different way and exceed those expectations.

I might put off exercise here and there. But I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror so many times and not liking what I see. I know that if you want something you should work for it. But sometimes, you feel so unmotivated that sense of I can do this disappears.

An eye opener in confidence

I’ve opened my eyes and know that I’m not always going to like something but it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t love myself. It hasn’t helped when you’ve seen someone look at the part of you that you dislike. But eventually you will be able to hold your head up and ignore it. That’s the only way you can carry on being you. And most of all, being a happy you.

I’ve spent more days going out of the house with less or no make-up on at all. At first you can worry about the looks because you feel like you don’t have that fresh-faced look going for you. Especially when it makes you look just as young. Then you think, to hell with that. It’s me. That’s who I am.

Even though I feel like I’m seen by more people on those kind of occasions, I just need to think, there are plenty of people who find the confidence, and so can I. Past experiences have made me switch to a less confident me at times. It’s all about passing those obstacles. They’ll be back and I just have to be strong and fight harder.

It’s good to have my confidence back

When you get that boost in your mood back, you’ll feel motivated by many things. Take today for instance, I put some music on and got my head down to get this piece together. It worked. Finally! I’ve got my confidence back.

I can breathe again without having those bundle of thoughts in the back of my mind. Or at least less of them. That’s much better than an overload of worry which often leads to headache and shakiness. I get enough of those two as it is. My migraine medication might reduce the frequency but I have to work with them too.

Isn’t it about time that you found that confidence in yourself again? If I can do it, you definitely can.

Anxiety Shouldn’t Change Who We Are

I’ve written this post to help raise awareness of anxiety for Spink Health’s campaign. Please note, this is not a gifted or sponsored collaboration.

Anxiety hits many of us. As we are all individuals, we deal with things in our own way. But what does the term ‘anxiety’ actually mean? People can often confuse the term with ‘stress’.

Here’s how Spink describe the difference between the two: