pink umbrella on a rainy day outside

Feeling Low Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Love my Partner or Baby

This is probably one of the posts I have contemplated whether to post or not, back and forth, the most. Have you ever been asked if you’re okay, how you’re doing, or how you’re feeling? And you simply answer using the words, ‘all good’, ‘okay’ or ‘fine’ thank you. You may genuinely be feeling any three of those at the time but sometimes it’s not the case and you don’t want to say. You don’t even wish you could, you just don’t feel the need to share.

I am a private person to a certain extent. I have social media accounts and I share photos of my son, my partner, family etc. but I also keep a lot to myself. Some people like a bit of ‘retail therapy’ to focus, I like to write on my blog.

You can’t always control your emotions. It isn’t as easy as making yourself feel happy after feeling sad. Your mind is a powerful part of you – so much so, it can take a toll. Your mind can work overdrive. You can go round in circles trying to understand your own thoughts but you can’t. Telling yourself, tomorrow is a new day, or it could be worse, seems okay at the time but ‘the day’ arrives again. Sometimes, it’s soon after or a few days or a week will pass.

I haven’t wrote this to hear “sorry you’re feeling this way” or “sorry you’re going through this”. The truth is, I think it’s always been inside me but a big life-changing moment happened that meant my body and hormones couldn’t play nice together. I ignored the feelings for a while. Plus I’ve had a baby so you know, it’s all like, oh you’re just tired, sleep deprived, or you need some alone time. Time spent with me, myself and I has been a battle between something that’s good and bad for me.

With the time I have to myself, I always end up doing washing, cleaning, tidying etc. then when I finally sit down, I find myself constantly checking the time until my partner and baby are home because I know I have to pick myself up. And before I know it, hours have passed and I haven’t napped or been for a walk.

I’ve cried most days – something I thought was just a thing in those first 6 weeks after giving birth so I didn’t think the doctor would think anything when she spoke to me 15 weeks postnatal. “Do you think you might be depressed?” Depressed? A term that is used so loosely and a word that I didn’t want to associate with myself. This isn’t because there’s anything to be ashamed of but I was telling myself every day that it would pass. I’ve tried to make efforts to occupy myself and find things to love and enjoy again. I will keep trying.

Pre-pregnancy, for many years, I struggled to think about some upcoming events. No one would get it. People visiting – including friends and family – I can find quite overwhelming on my most struggling days. Recently, my partner has seen me curled up in a ball either staring into space or crying myself to sleep. Some nights, I can’t sleep. And on others, I don’t want to wake up because I want to sleep so much.

Please, the next time you hear someone say they are depressed or feeling low, don’t quickly look in from the outside. Even if you think you have the happiest of friends, check in on them. Forgive snappy or off moments. The only way I can describe the way I feel a lot of the time, is lost. This is not my baby’s fault or mine. It’s just that emotions have took charge. Some people can be more sensitive than you think. Regardless, you should always think before you speak. Or apologise if you speak out of turn. I must admit, I’m much stronger that I used to be when it comes to ignoring some comments and people but there will be a wave that comes over me. When this happens, they are all I think about then it spirals into thoughts about myself.

Three months ago, I birthed our son and a surge of new life took over. I count myself lucky that these feelings I have, haven’t affected the bond I have with my beautiful baby boy. Whenever I feel myself about to have a cry, I put him down. Though, most of the time, it’s when I am by myself or when he is asleep. This doesn’t always happen on the non-stop days. I’m talking about the days when I have some ‘me time’. I should be relaxing, sleeping or doing something I find fun. At times, this happens but it drifts into a motion of sadness. I feel restless, hopeless and I suddenly cry. There are days where I feel absolutely agitated that I respond in ways where I don’t even know what I’ve just been told. It’s like being in a daydream and hearing things but the next day you’re not 100% on what happened.

I am forgetting a lot of things and I was putting it down to ‘baby brain’ even though people have said, that’s just in pregnancy isn’t it? And they are probably right but it’s what’s happening.

Another thing that’s changed is my appetite. I go through ups and downs. I overeat snacks and rubbish food in the day or I skip tea/hardly eat in the evening because I say on many occasions, “Oh I don’t feel hungry. I’m okay.” My partner knows it’s not the case and I’m far from it.

I’ll probably get a few, “Oh I didn’t know…” or “Why didn’t you say?” Think about it. I share my feelings with my partner as I feel like I am losing myself at times but smiling on the outside. He’s the one I will always feel comfortable with no matter how agitated or irritable I am. Oh, and he senses whenever I feel stressed. He doesn’t half put up with a lot! I constantly think about something that needs to be done or could be done better. 

I also want to say something else because as sad as it is, there might be people who have something negative to say. I am fully aware of what I have – a warm home, a loving partner, and a beautiful child. I also have a loving family and friends but I will only truly open up about my feelings with my partner and my doctor. This doesn’t mean to say I’m not grateful for any support around me.

There are two people in my life who will always give me a boost when I need it the most – my fiancé and my precious blue eyed baby boy. All it takes is a a big hug and a little smile. I can withdraw myself from situations, visits and plans but I’ll never take myself away from these two.

If you’re feeling low, postnatal or not, perhaps you would like to reach out to someone. It wasn’t until everything was building up that I found the courage to speak to my partner and then my GP who has been lovely. There’s also information and advice on the NHS website. Remember, bottling thoughts and feelings up does not make you a hero. It’s okay to let it all out. 

young man walking over the bridge

You Shouldn’t Hold Your Feelings Inside

Why do so many of us hold our feelings inside? A lot of people think we feel with our hearts and think with our minds which is true for the most part. But what about when you let your mind control how you feel? We are so quick to judge someone before we know what they are going through – perhaps they don’t ever tell you. Is this why we can refuse to open up about our own feelings?

I think we need a world with more empathy. People should be able to speak up about what they’re experiencing with the thought of them not having it has hard as somebody else. We all suffer in some kind of way at least once in our life whether it be grief, relationships, battling your own mind just to name a few.

So why shouldn’t you hold your feelings inside?

When you think about how of us are on the planet, don’t you think it’s shame we live in a world where people can’t open up, to share experiences, understand each other, and most of all to try and help each other or be there for one another?

When I cry, there’s only a handful of people that know what to do. Most expect me to be smiley all the time because I don’t overly share what’s going on, only when it gets tough. And for me that’s works. For others too, privacy is important and only letting people in when they let you in, works fair in my eyes. But it’s so important that when someone is there for you 1000% not to shut them out. Especially when they’re always making an effort with you. Otherwise you’ll only end up pushing them away and loneliness is the last thing you want.

No matter how perfect you might think someone’s got it, the likeliness is that, they will continue to be there for you. They might have or might not have experienced the same thing. But it doesn’t mean they can’t listen. If something is dragging you down more than it ever has before or more than it should, speak to someone. Whoever that person might be – your friend, parent, grandparent, work colleague, doctor, counsellor – talk to them.

You’ll be surprised how often people underestimate the power of a small chat. It’s not supposed to ‘fix’ things magically but it helps. If gives you a sense of acceptance and gives you an insight that you never seen before to deal with the pain you’re feeling.

You, me, the queen, celebrities, all of us, are human.

Listening to someone is one of the kindest things you can do. And for people on the other side, don’t sit there and think, “They don’t want to or won’t listen to this.” There are people in the world with a heart you know. When they realise that you’ve been battling your own thoughts so much is something that would probably hurt them too.

The reality is some days/weeks/months/years will be tougher than others. When you lose someone close to you, the healing process isn’t something that can be measured for each person. We’re all different and cope in our own ways. Memories are so precious. Always hold onto them.

The other day I visited my granny and grandad at the cemetery and I cried for the first time in years. Getting older can make you stronger, it doesn’t mean to say that because you cry you’re weak. Others might ask themselves why I cried when it’s been over 17 years for one of them. That’s because your heart never lets go of love. I wouldn’t just shut off my feelings towards them because they’re not here, it’s not how life works. I like to know that I can talk about them any time I want with my boyfriend and talk about memories with mum, dad and my brothers.

There will be times when everything will get on top of each other.

When a certain amount of time passes by you’ve started to learn how to deal with a situation… then life happens. Since my uncle passed away this year I’ve realised that losing another family member doesn’t make it easier. You still grieve. You’ll cry when you don’t want to. But you soon realise that it’s okay and that you shouldn’t apologise when these things happen in front of people. If we held those feelings inside we would have an outburst one day and it’s a whole lot healthier to let your tears out.

If you’re someone who is going through some stuff right now that doesn’t seem ‘serious enough’ to talk about, if it’s getting you down then it’s important. Don’t think you’re going to be a burden to someone. Open up to someone and you might just see a new perspective.

cloudy sky during the daytime

Worrying Over the Little Things

Ah, worrying over the little things is more common with people than you think. I like to think I’m a lot more in control of my worrying mind nowadays and that my ridiculously worrying days are over. For the most part that’s true but there are still small parts of me where the worrier in me remains. Maybe not always ‘worry’ but a constant wonder, you know?

Take the things that haven’t even happened yet. I get a sense of fear when thinking about seeing certain people in a sudden situation. Or, I still hold onto the wonder of what someone thinks of me if they see me. It’s weird because I know damn right that the person on the other side wouldn’t even have a care in the world.

Here’s what I (and you if you’re in the same boat) need to remember…

  1. There are amazing things happening in your life right now, try to spend more time focusing on those.
  2. Time spent worrying is often time wasted. Use your time wisely and think about the happiest things in your life.
  3. Whenever something’s getting to you (even though it probably shouldn’t), talk to someone because it will help.
  4. You can always write about your thoughts, just like me. Writing definitely is my therapy as it helps me to release what’s on my mind.
  5. Whenever you figure out the small triggers of your worry, try to distance yourself from them without giving them too much attention.

Living with your boyfriend/girlfriend can help to reduce the worrying thoughts

Living with your partner can help to reduce the negative thoughts and wonder going through your mind. They want you to be happy so don’t forget how lucky you are to have a home together and to cherish their company with every chance you get.

Hold onto the closest people in your life, they’ll always help you to see the brighter side to life, no matter what’s going on. A short and sweet post but something to think about, right?

I hope this post helps you if you’ve been worrying about the little things.

low-angle photo of smiley face balloons

Don’t Let Other People Control Your Happiness

It’s time to start putting more effort into my own happiness. It wasn’t so long ago that I thought I was better at letting things go.

Crying isn’t always a bad thing. But surely too much of it can’t be healthy? That’s what I’ve discovered over the last few weeks. People can have an impact on your emotions and they don’t even know it. Perhaps their actions aren’t always intentional but at the same time, they’re just not needed.

What am I going to do about it?

I need to like being myself, which I’m not completely so far away from. But if I could just get rid of this one thing that bugs me more than anything, its people’s opinions, their need to get involved an overwhelming amount or the inappropriate comments and gestures. People close to me advise me to ignore them. That’s where I’m weak. I struggle so much to try to put things to the back of my mind. And when I eventually do, something else pops up.

It’s down to me. For things to change, I need to focus on the more meaningful things in life. There are tonnes of things to smile about and to be thankful for. I’m not going to lose sight of myself trying to please others. Sometimes, it’s about speaking up and being brave.

Think about this too…

You can lose followers on social media but you shouldn’t let this impact your value. And you can have people who you drift anyway from that were your ‘mates’ or ‘friends’. Some of these people come into your life for a reason. Some friendships slip away, meanwhile others can stay forever. It doesn’t matter about the number of friends you have. What matters is, who they truly are. The truth is, I think we’re all worth more than we realise. It’s when you discover who you really are that leads you to believing how important your happiness is.

Am I really lonely? My parents do what they can to support me. My big brothers have always got my back. And I have the most amazing human being (Danny) by my side in all that I do. Surrounding yourself with the ones who love you is much better than being round a hundred people who might not believe in you or value who you really are.

A new adventure is right around the corner.

I keep telling myself, “It’s not long now.” Me and Danny are waiting for those two weeks notice or whatever it’ll end up being to notify us when our home will be ready for us. I’ve visioned not only the day but everything leading up to this moment for so long. In fact, we both have. This is our journey. We’re going to travel on it in no other way but ours.

Now, the next time you find yourself becoming so lost in your emotions, fighting against other people’s matters or say, remember what you should really be focusing on. Tell yourself a million times. I should know, I’m constantly sending myself the reminder. If you do feel like you’re falling down again, go to your happy place.

Don’t let other people control your happiness, create your own kind of happiness.