Am I really a mum to be? Yes I am and it feels so amazing.
While this is such an exciting time in my life, I’m not ignorant towards the topic of pregnancy loss, nor have I ever been since a I was child. Some women I’m very close to, have lost a child. It’s raw but it’s real.
I know people who have miscarried at different stages of their pregnancy, or experienced a still birth. My mum fits into both of these categories, someone who I love so much and every day I think about how strong she is. I also have friends who have health issues which causes barriers for them to be able to get pregnant. I’ll always remember them and what they’ve been/are going through.
This post hasn’t been published to disregard anyone’s feelings, it’s simply to share how my mum to be journey is going and how it feels for me. Even my mum says, “Nothing should stop me from the light that pregnancy brings to your life, especially when it’s for the first time.” She (and Danny most days pre-pregnancy) has taught me how important it is to be happy and to focus on whatever triggers. Now, my first pregnancy is something beyond that. It’s an experience which I am sure I’ll never forget and I am learning to cherish every moment.
One thing I’ve always wondered is, what it’s like when you know you have a baby inside you. How does it feel? Does it change you? There are days when I panic, others when I wonder if I have exercised enough.
Doing everything I can
Anyone who knows me, understands that I did everything in my power to put my body in it’s healthiest state when trying to get pregnant. I wanted to sort some medical bits out, speak to my doctor and gynaecology department to check if I would be putting me/baby at risk if I was to fall pregnant. They didn’t doubt me, they offered to help and support me wherever I needed it. It’s like they knew it was my time. And I wasn’t shy to share the fact that we have always known we wanted a baby. I just never knew if it could happen because we hadn’t tried before without contraception.
My GP was in touch a lot in the first trimester to check on me, mostly due to the fact that I have chronic hypertension. But more so, because my body was about to go through some big changes and I was bound to have questions. Before seeing the midwife, I remember asking him over the phone, “Am I definitely pregnant?” And he said, “Natasha, the amount of positive tests you have, there’s your answer.” I was in some kind of disbelief that we had been given this chance, something we have always dreamed of.
Getting pregnant has always been an image in my future ever since I was younger. I remember going shopping with my mum and I would always run to the baby clothes section, that hasn’t changed to this day. I’ve never really been afraid to hold a new born baby and I have always looked into their eyes and wondered what it would be like to hold one of my own some day.
Dreams do come true
And now, the dream is coming to life. The day I seen those two pink lines then the word Pregnant on a pregnancy test, my whole world froze for the most surreal moment ever. I remember thinking, “Wow, we have made a new life. A little one to call ours.”
For days I wondered how our baby would start to grow, what they look like, is my body strong enough to take this on? Is there anything I can do more of? What shouldn’t I be doing? The list of questions went on.
As much as there are hard days and confusing times during my pregnancy journey, I never for one minute forget how blessed I am. Since I have had a visible bump, I must look in the mirror at least once a day and smile. I talk to my baby bump, I sing, and we dance together.
I want to give our baby everything and more. They will know what it’s like to be loved, cared for, and how important a family is. Just the other day, I was talking to Danny and there was a little quiz on the pregnancy app I’m using. It asked about the qualities you would like your child to have, things to understand when growing up etc. Every answer we gave was the same, and we said them simultaneously.
We are already factoring our baby’s future into everything we do. We are good at working as a team and I can’t wait until we become an extended team of 3. We are both keeping busy and I am whizzing round the house tidying and cleaning as much as I can. What’s new there? Danny is doing a lot of painting, he has the patience of a saint. I won’t lie, I only did a small amount of painting in the nursery but still, I’m in 1000% house maintaining mode and doing my usual thing. In the process of my daily routine I have started to realise how clumsy I am… or maybe just a lot more than I already was? Oh and it’s official, my name is Tasha and I’m a chocoholic!
I stared at the room once it had been painted and I choked with emotions – happiness, warmth, and excitement. What was once our little office is now a room becoming our son or daughter’s bedroom. We have a white cabinet with shelves that has some toiletry bits on, story books, Winnie the Pooh storage boxes with clothes, that kind of stuff. Sometimes, I walk into the room just to remind myself that as each day passes by, we are one step closer to meeting our baby.
Every time I see mums and dads pushing babies in their prams by the river at home, it makes me feel so happy. That’ll be us in the summer!
This is such a special journey. The next highlight will be finding out baby’s gender which will probably be the topic of my next blog post so keep a look out.