Looking back I am not ashamed to say that I was a girl who was a lot more insecure and gullible than I am now.
I didn’t know how to be the most fun teen around – just like now, my friends always seem to have these exciting lifestyles, and that’s okay. I actually love my life even if there are things I want to improve at the moment.
I made choices that I probably shouldn’t have made. I was scared of opening up to the right person. Whenever I got close to something good I was frightened of not being the person others expected me to be.
I believe that we are all young once and we all do things we which we wish we could have done differently. But surely what matters is the now, this present time we have to work on how we really want things to be?
This world we live in where people say, ‘Oh they’re the one who…’ or ‘Didn’t she used to…’ think about it. Seriously, what does it matter?
Wouldn’t you rather fulfil a life which holds something much more important than what used to be and dwelling on past versions or interpretations of a person?
There are times where I have walked people and we are complete strangers. Or there are times where I know I’ve been recognised but it’s as if they couldn’t recognise me at first. Maybe I look different. I definitely haven’t grown height wise, but my mental strength capacity has. I’ve had the time to mature into a woman and be my own person.
Something I never say enough to myself, I am proud.
Some people might not get it. But like I said, things from other people aren’t for you to worry about. Hey, maybe I should take a leaf out of my own book there. Being unemployed at the minute is driving me insane. But I need to let go of worrying about other peoples’ perceptions and carry on working on me. Finding a new adventure that’s right for me.
I used to think it was crazy to be asked, where do you see yourself in five years’ time?
And now I listen and think, it’s the complete opposite. Obviously employers want to know from a career and developing skills perspective. However, I also like to consider the things I’ve outgrown in the past five years.
I have outgrown trying to be a different person. I found myself, I didn’t lose myself completely, but I think keeping the right friendships and finding one particular kind of happiness lead into the right direction. Hey, I even discovered my own dress sense and style, which differs from fluffy pyjamas to Minnie Mouse tops, do the ‘where’s your dress from?’
I have outgrown getting involved in drama. Or least I thought so, sometimes it still pops up. But you live a much happier, and relaxed life without it, that’s for sure. Now I like to sit back and not really have a comment about things. You know your own mind. You know you. That’s what matters.
I’ve outgrown not thinking about the future. Life holds so much more importance than some people realise. Planning for the future, whether you meet those goals or not, gives you something to forward think about. It can develop so much more positive thinking. On the other hand, I’ve had tendencies where I’m still worrying about certain things. I’m still working on that one.
I’ve outgrown sitting back and being bullied. Sometimes ‘jokes’ can get taken out of hand, whether it be by your friends, or your own family. I like to think I can say things back now and stand up for myself. I even remember one my brother’s friends saying about five years ago, wow Tash speaks. I always spoke, I just never used to say anything back when someone wound me up. I used to cry most times or get really upset. Oh, Tasha!
I laughed a lot throughout my childhood but during these last five years I’ve laughed even more. There have been cries throughout tough times, but without a doubt, there have been more smiles and more laughs.
Especially when it comes to the nights you used to spend alone. How relaxing does it feel to spend it with someone you love? You know the feeling, you sit there laughing at this, that, and everything. Both of you say nothing and you still look at them and smile.
So back to those five years ago… it goes quick doesn’t it?
It was in the year of 2012 that a man, who wasn’t my dad, brothers, or any kind of male relative, held me and lifted me up in the air. It’s the time that followed a month afterwards where I was still pulling away from something good. But it was in the exact moment that I realised and ran away back to what was right in front of my eyes.
I realised in that exact moment that everything else I thought just didn’t make sense anymore. I told myself that maybe I’m too boring that’s why they’re not really interested. I told myself maybe I’m not extrovert enough. The biggest question I asked myself was, is this me?
The truth is, I wanted to see what things were like but I didn’t want to change or do something that wasn’t me.
I wanted to then, just as I do now, to be me.
It was that moment where I decided to think straight and stop chasing things. The one thing I never thought was true, actually was true. What I always thought before were just illusions, they weren’t real. I figured out what was real.
I poured my heart out to someone. This was someone who has seen me do the most random and giddiest things ever. I’ve never been able to dance, especially not with guys, but this was something else. Anyway getting back to it, we’re still in the night, and this person saw me cry for the first time. He didn’t walk or run for that matter, he sat there, looked at me and wiped my tears away.
After all the listening we go up to the dancefloor and we kissed, and that wasn’t even his first attempt to do so. In that moment everything spiralled around me. The first time he complimented me in 2010, the late nights (into the early morning) that he would walk me home, wishing me happy Valentine’s Day, looking out for me (once he was stood outside on his own on a night out waiting). He meant it all.
He has given me the most amazing adventure and it’s only been a small part of the rest of our lives together. No matter how many insecurities I’ve had, no matter what weaknesses or downfalls I have, he’s there.
I can annoy the life out of him, especially when I’m giddy, which is a lot of the time. But at the end of each day, I know he’s got me, and I’ve got him. Sometimes, he can be slow when I’m trying to explain things. Then again, I’m the worst for getting hints, as he mentioned many things Disney in the lead up to my 21st birthday without me figuring out that he was taking us to Disneyland Paris.
He brings more excitement and love into my life. And the best thing is having that feeling where you both just know. You see your future. You know that when you’re asked that question again, you can clearly see the next five years of your journey, a journey that’s together and it’s one that multiplies into years after that.
One of the biggest things I’ve ever been afraid of – having a friendship where it turns to love years later. But I can undoubtedly say that, the whole journey and the yet of what will be, turns out to be the most amazing memory of all.
He’s the person I can point at from the other side of the room when a song comes on because at lot of songs remind us of things or we just love to dance to them.
You see, it’s good when you see how much you’ve grown as a person. But it’s even more amazing where you share it with someone in the process.
I really do feel like there’s so much sunshine in my life no matter how many rainy days there are.