Let me take you through two parts of love in my life.
When I was younger, to say I loved someone, was to say I love my parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins etc. I loved my pet rabbit, Snowy, and I loved Rex, Tyson, and Sheba (dogs of other family members).
To say I loved something gave me so much excitement. I used to love spinning around the roundabout in the play area of the park until I was dizzy. I loved to eat those pink and blue fizzy bottled sweets. I loved playing on the swings then telling my brothers to stop pushing me too high – until the day I became brave enough to go higher and feel free.
I loved playing shop with my grandparents. I loved colouring, I loved singing on karaoke even though I was and still am terrible (you probably wouldn’t see me in front on a karaoke unless there was a certain assumption of alcohol involved!)
I loved that whenever anything went wrong at school, mum would make my favourite foods and give me the biggest hugs and dad would make me laugh.
I also loved writing at school; I loved maths; being creative (but you can’t fail when it comes to being creative), learning new languages and most of all, I loved being happy.
Growing up a big thing I’ve been taught is to stand up for myself – that includes always being myself and not following a crowd to fit in. I couldn’t be more grateful for these values from my parents.
I was also told that I wasn’t old enough to understand things, as you are told when you’re a child. Through being myself as much as possible, I have learnt the meaning behind many things.
I’ve also learnt that being myself is the best type of me that I can be. And that it isn’t hard as I thought. Whenever I thought being something else was better, I could never have been more wrong.
Sometimes I struggled to find myself. I knew that I was considered a little geeky at school. I wasn’t in the popular crowd and I knew that I wasn’t going to be accepted by some people. I’ve been judged – a lot in fact. But in reality, we are always judged at least one point in our lives.
In my eyes, being bullied or physical things like having had a brace aren’t the worst things of my childhood. The worst things were losing people – people who were important. I can honestly say that this list of people consists of only two people.
Life can show you how important some people really are. We meet new people through different stages in our lives. But it’s the ones that you know you want to keep hold of that matter the most.
Through significant people in my life, I’ve learnt that I deserve to be happy but it’s also okay to cry when I need to.
I miss two people who used to hold my hand. But I feel as though they’ve brought a special gift to me. They have given us (me and my family) a bond that no one can break. We all have something we can reflect on and relate to when it comes to them.
Back to when I said what it always meant to be to love someone – I started to see different kinds of love in their own light – including my parents and my grandparents. I’ve always seen that people their partner in their own way.
I wondered many of times how it would feel to have someone love as much as my parents do.
I know that I have yet to experience the hardest thing I’ll ever go through in my life. Many of you will probably guess what that means – losing my parents. The people who have been in your life since day one.
These people have been through distressing, heartbreak, and many other mixture of emotions. We haven’t always agreed on everything. We’ve laughed and we’ve cried. We’ve sang and we’ve danced. We have loved each other as much as the other. I might not see my brothers every day and I won’t see my parents every day when it comes to the day that I move out, nevertheless, I will always love them.
Everything we’ve been through makes me realise what it really means to love your family. We’ve taken different paths but we’ve stuck together through them.
Many of these thoughts above will reflect on the next part of this post.
A new chapter in my life begun when I was a person who realised not only what it felt like to love someone but to fall in love.
A man became more significant in my life at the age of eighteen than he ever was before. At the age of 16 I was a lot shy, afraid to accept things, and quite naïve.
Back then I used to think – there are plenty of things he doesn’t know. Imagine if he knew about my random outbursts of giddiness or what I really look like at my worst. I wish we would have been brave enough back then to take the step.
But what matters is that we did manage to later. We had kept it touch anyway but I was seeing him for the first time in a while with a group of friends this one night. We had all been out as a group numerous times before but there was something different about this night.
This was just a normal night out. But I was experiencing this nerves, excitement, and heart-racing kind of feeling. When I saw him in the queue – all these memories were floating back into my mind – the night he carried me over puddles on Boxing Day 2012 without hesitation.
Or there was the day he said “Happy Valentine’s Day” to me (bearing in mind that no one ever wished me a Happy Valentine’s), and singing My Girl to me on other occasions when the song would come on. Then I remembered the very first memories where I was told he liked me on New Year’s Eve of 2010 but I didn’t believe it.
But now, it was time I started to believe things a little more and decided not to put my feeling aside anymore.
I will never forget this day. I poured my heart out to him. I had watery eyes and spoke with all honesty of all the things I was scared of – including the thought that he’d run away after two weeks.
We laugh about that one now! But the most things included me worrying in case I wasn’t the person Danny seen me as. After this biggest heart-to-heart, there was a moment which had been anticipated for a long, long time. He wiped my tear, looked at me and seconds later we kissed.
I’m pretty sure everyone was thinking WOO about time!
Ever since that day, Danny has seen me in all kinds of light and loved me equally in every single one. We have explored different destinations and points in our lives. He now sees how important his happiness is to me and has understood the times where I’ve been down. No matter what anybody else has said about me he has been there. He doesn’t need to be in the same room as me to know something’s wrong. He remembers significant times of the year that are something special to me.
I found someone to hold my hand. Someone has given me their heart. I know that there won’t be an end. He respects that silence will approach us if we are in the same room as a song comes on that makes me stop and reflect on someone who has passed away.
He keeps me warm and is my biggest comfort. He has the biggest heart and smile I’ve ever had the happiness to be blessed with.
He tells me I’m beautiful. He tells me I’m strong. And when he says he’ll be there, he means it. He loves me for me.
He is my first and only person I will ever fall in love with. I know that as well as other times that have passed, he will be my biggest wrong at the times I fear most in the future including one I mentioned in this post.
Now I can say that I know what it feels like to both love someone and to be in love.